Age: 18 year 1 months 3 days

Hey God. I’m kind of sad. It seems like I don’t actually hear from you anymore. I’ve been pretty busy with the start of college, but I remember you. I haven’t let go of my faith. I still want to live fully devoted to you in the face of everything.

It seems like I’ve been wrong a lot lately about things I thought you wanted me to do. I feel I may be wrong about redacted not following your will fully. It still seems to me like they’re headed slightly off path.

Also, I’ve longed to be with my friends to talk about you and grow closer to you and then more than I’ve desired being with you. I miss my friend so much. I would do anything to keep up our friendship.

I want to start investing myself in people here also. Redacted has a Bible study that redacted goes to. I was planning on asking if I could go to it tomorrow when I see him in class. Good idea or bad? I figured I would go and if it’s not right, like young life, that I won’t go anymore. I’m not looking to be selective or skeptical about your programs. I’m looking to be deeply involved in something for you, and find fellowship with other believers. This group with redacted sounds great, like something for me. I want to be a blessing and help others as we grow closer to you.

God, when did I start talking like this to you? Is it how I talk to all of my friends? I’m so serious, but I’m not telling you my heart.

I’m hurting. I really don’t know why you aren’t here with me and I get angry at you for leaving me. I forget if you’re real and how I know it. I don’t expect to go through college without these doubts arising at least a few times. I want the challenge for truth; I want the quest for truth uninhibited by my present beliefs. I should find you in the truth. If you don’t fit in the truth I find, I’ll humbly admit I was wrong. I do expect to find you in every bit of truth I uncover though. I expect you to fit in logically since you are the source of Truth. And it’s hard as I may try, I cannot separate you out of my view since I believe to the core of my being that you are the one and only God. It will be hard to shake that foundation, but if it is untrue I will stop living the lie.

You know this, but I am not afraid that you do not exist. I believe you do.

Anyway, where are you? Where is your guidance in my life? Where’s my challenge? How am I supposed to grow in you? Give me something more. Please, give me something to do. I’m sick of sitting and doing my homework, so I love all of my classes and am excited to work towards my dream.

Who am I talking to? Why don’t you talk to me anymore? Why do I have to write? We used to laugh and talk and cry without the paper barricade. Yes God, I need your help. I’m lonely at college. I want deep friendships, but I don’t know how to begin. It begins with courage I guess.

Oh, on a side note, help me not to eat so much as to be unhealthy, but don’t let me under-eat for fear of over-eating. Help me get the nutrition I need also. My meals need something healthier like fruit and veggies. So yeah, help me with this food thing. I don’t want to be concerned with it.

Oh, and I’ve become concerned with money again, fearing that I won’t have enough or that my job will not last. I can’t live in worry or fear. Take this from me. I do trust you to provide and I will be smart with the money you do give me.  It will not be poorly spent.

I’m putting $1,000 away. Tuesday I have a meeting with a financial adviser to learn how mutual funds work and how I can make the most of my investment. Aren’t you proud of me? I always said I would put the money away starting when I turned eighteen. This was the plan. I didn’t doubt myself but I am doing this and haven’t forgotten. I love how when I make up my mind I am able to go through with things. I can always get things done.

Making a movie is going to be extremely hard. I realize how little I know about it. I’m a bit discouraged, but I love it. I don’t desire anything else. I’m scared about making movies. And I don’t really understand how film works. So much to learn! And so many things to improve!

Is this still the right field for me? Eh,  I know it is. Philosophy is number one though. They are so right for me. I’m happy to be working in learning for these majors. Going to class makes my day. It’s the time in between that sucks. Doesn’t that rock?

Help me not to get lazy with school matters. Right now I’m managing my time well. Help me to continue to do so and not lose motivation. Also, though, help me to always live life first and foremost.

I love Greek. I love speech too. I love logic. The professor makes me really happy, though he is an atheist. I really like him. He’s great. He’s a philosopher, so I think that’s what I really like. Everything he says is in philosophy specific language. It’s so great. Film class is great, and I’ll learn a lot, oh, and I really love Greek. It’s the hardest language I’ve learned yet, but I think it will beat out my love of Latin. I love it. It’s going to be so hard, but oh, I love it. I can’t wait to read the New Testament and philosophers like Plato in Greek. It will mean so much more. I love its meaning and depth. It ties into my other classes also.

If I love my other film class tomorrow then I will love all of my classes. This full load is a lot of work, but man, I love it. I couldn’t be happier. That may change around exam times, I doubt it though.  Only if I lose motivation and become lazy and stop working for you will I have problems.

God, this is for you all ultimately. All I am doing is for your glory, I don’t want to forget that. Let me always put you first.

I love you. I don’t want to stop talking. I love all that’s happening in my life, minus the missing my friends part, oh and minus the having too much time to kill. I like living each moment but not being overloaded. I think I will be set with work though and this Bible study. Maybe philosophy club or film club too, if it fits. Of course we’ll see how things go.

Thank you for work. I still love the job and I’m happy to be working tomorrow. Don’t let me get lazy.

Um, what else to say? Nothing huh? I’m dry as a bone. So Bible time, eh? Uck! I’m sick of work. Hahaha. Yup,  I’m done for now, time for sleep. No chance for you to respond to me. God. I’ll talk again tomorrow, don’t you worry. When will you talk? I can schedule you in sometime next month. You can get your say at the annual board meeting. Gives you plenty of time to prepare. I’m done now. Yeah, that was a bit too far. I’ll read the Bible, I can’t wait. Well maybe I don’t have that much enthusiasm, but… Yeah, I’m going.

To read: The Divine Conspiracy

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