Age: 18 years 7 months 7 days

Holy cow! I haven’t written in my journal in a month! I know that I have been avoiding it. And I don’t have time. Um, why have I been avoiding writing… It’s because I’m dating redacted. And no, I’m not ashamed of it. I haven’t told redacted or redacted yet. I didn’t think things would work out with redacted. I really missed him. Here’s how we got back together…

 I hung out with redacted, redacted, redacted, and redacted and we watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Jim Carrey looks like redacted. I cried; a week after I broke up with him I was still crying. I missed him. So the next day when redacted invited me over to his apartment to watch Toxic Avenger number one. I went, after some protest. I knew that it would be too cruel to redacted to see him, but I went. I couldn’t stand not seeing him. He called me after we left and told me he couldn’t see me because it hurt too much. He told me that he loves me. I told him I needed a day to think. I talked to redacted, practically walking on clouds, because I decided that I would get back together with redacted.

 That night I talked to him out in the woods. I asked him quite a few personal questions. He’s had sex. I wasn’t going to date him because of that. But I couldn’t say no. I had to give him a chance. I figured that I’ll find out if he’s wrong for me. It should be obvious. Maybe I’m blind. But I’m dating him. And I honestly look for something, some logical reason why I can’t be with him. He’s not a Christian. That’s all that I can find. It’s even harder to be a Christian with him. I haven’t read my Bible. I’m almost ashamed to come and talk to you. I’ve been trying to talk to you God. I think that you’re still here with me. I will never leave you. I want to be yours first, but I really want to be with redacted. I really do like him. And God, I’m going to have to play this one out. Because I can’t find any sure sign that I can’t be with him and still love you. I do wish that he believed in you. Can I help it? I want to share my beliefs with him. I want to grow and mature with him. But I’m still doing it without a human partner. I’d never try to convert him, forcefully. I never say, “ you have to believe in my God or I won’t love you”.  everyone has to come to you on their own. I want him to come to you, yes, of course. I want everyone to know that you are you bring. I don’t want him to live in eternity without you.

 Anyway, we’re going on a road trip, starting tomorrow, because it’s spring break. This could have deep meaning, if we let it be a sort of spiritual bonding trip. I want to get to know him. I want to know his insecurities and his faults. Likewise I should reveal mine. So, if I find the courage I can think of a few things that I should tell him.

1. I didn’t run cross-country in high school. I ran in middle school and ran all throughout high school, but not on the team. That was a lie. I tend to lie when I feel insecure or feel the need to impress someone. When I meet new people I am intimidated and feel the need to prove my intelligence. I sometimes lie to feel smart or fit in.
2.  Skeleton in my closet – masturbation
3.  I sometimes worry because I didn’t know right away that I even liked you or wanted to be with you. You know, and all I know is that I like you. But it seems that you liked me more. I don’t like that, and I don’t want our relationship to end. I think that I still have reservations because you’re not a Christian.
4.  I don’t know that much about music, I don’t know why people think I do, or that I can talk about it.

 God, please be proud of me. I’ve been open and honest in the relationship. I’ve kept my Integrity. I still refused to drink, smoke, or even engage in physical contact beyond kissing. I’ve told him that we won’t be making out on the trip, no God, it would be very pleasurable. I like him a lot, and I would love to make out / do the stages after that and even have sex. He knows that I will not have sex before marriage and will end their relationship if he tries. But even though physical activity is pleasurable, I won’t do it. I won’t freely give myself away to any boy I’m attracted to. I will refrain from my desires.

 God, I’ll be faithful to him as long as we’re together. I’ll remain faithful to you as well. It’s going to be hard not to make out. Very hard. I want to every time we kiss. But I won’t. Every step further makes refraining all the harder. And I can never go back.

 God, we are honest. And he respects me. And he’s great. God, sometimes I think I’m crazy about him, I even think that I might love him. It could be that I desire to be in love. But some of the things I do. I wrote a script about us. I called him up late at night because I was worried that if this were the last chance I had on Earth I would have missed the opportunity to tell him how great he is. So I called him and told him that she had the most beautiful face, a line from The Flaming Lips song. That statement carried a lot of meaning. When we went to Chicago (we did by the way) At the Art Institute I kept admiring all the beauty but couldn’t help thinking that redacted was the best thing there. Then at the stars exhibit the quote “ Doubt thou the stars are fire, but never doubt my love”  from Hamlet popped into my head and remained for the rest of the day. I couldn’t say it because I didn’t know if it was true.

 God, I love you and I hope that’s true. I want to live for you. I want my heart to be in the right place. I’m not sure it is. But I want to always live for you. Can I live any other way? So what would you have me do? And if you tell me to break up with redacted you need to give me the reason. I can’t go on “ because you say so”  for this case. It’s too much faith. I can’t believe that or follow that command without clear reasons from you. In time they will come if redacted is wrong for me. Time always reveals what guys are wrong for me. I’m not betting against redacted though. He seems so wrong for me, but I think that he may be right. I’d like to hope so anyway.

 The trip will mean nothing if I’m not open and honest about the issues I’ve listed. It’s time for redacted to know. I don’t think that he’ll mind. The hard part is for me to admit my faults. It’s never easy to say that I’m imperfect. And it’s really hard to admit that I lied to him and that I’m sometimes insecure in life. But I need to be honest about it. A relationship can’t go any further with these things inside me. And if there’s more that I should tell him, bring it out.

 God, I want to live for you on this trip. I know that the trip seems all about me, and I can’t explain how it’s not. Maybe it is. But it seems like this is the best thing that I could be doing with my time and that, though this trip seems all about me, I could grow much closer to you. It seems like a bonding time for us as well. I realize that that is still selfish; so is everything I do, to some degree. Anyway, I’ll do my best to defend you until my death. I do not doubt that you are God, or that you exist. I doubt lies and how to follow you. And lifetimes are spent trying to figure that one out.

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