Age: 18 years 5 months 26 days
Hi God. What can I say? I don’t even know how to talk to you. I am forever distanced. What can I even do? I’m trying to talk to you. It’s miserable. I’ve never stopped believing in you, but I’ve traded faith for reason. How much stronger had the reasons for believing in you become because of philosophy? I’m intellectually convinced of you daily. What uses it? What uses this knowledge? I can tell people why only you make sense. It’s to no avail. They don’t feel you.
I don’t have faith. I’ll never have the faith of Abraham. I can’t even comprehend his face. I don’t know what faith is. I haven’t stopped believing. I don’t know what to do. I would never give you up. I would never lead a different lifestyle.
And I need to end things with redacted. I like him. I have no idea why. I don’t like people this wrong for me. I don’t understand. And I don’t know how to get out of this. I’d love to kiss him. I know that I won’t marry him. The fact that I would willingly kiss someone other than my husband is disturbing.
I like redacted though. He’s fun. And he’s a lot of what I’m not. An atheist, existentialist, humanist was vulgar, parties, smoke pot? Right there he sounds horrible. But he’s not. He’s a good person who is a lot of fun and he’s charming. He’s so charming. I don’t want to end things.
Do I simply want a boyfriend? I want a husband! He’s not who I’ve been dreaming of. I don’t know what to do. I’m not leading him on. I really would like to be with him. But I haven’t told him that I can’t. And I can’t explain why, except you God. How did I let go of my standards? I’m playing with fire, and I think we’ll both get burned.
I think I like him because he’s so very attractive. I didn’t know that I could ever be this shallow. He flatters me. He treats me like a Greek goddess. I don’t want to be worshiped. I think that I like it though.
Stop, these things are miserable. I don’t know what to do. How can I talk to you again? There’s more to this face than studying. It’s a crazy extreme action which I don’t understand.
Why do I feel like things could work out with redacted? I can’t date someone who doesn’t believe in you. I want to live a life where I’m willing to do anything for you at the drop of a hat ( or at your command). I couldn’t be with anyone who doesn’t feel that way also.
I don’t want to stop seeing redacted. Of course, I would for you. That doesn’t seem right though. I really have no plan this time. I don’t know how it’s going to work. I don’t have a plan. I don’t have things figured out. This is so odd. I don’t even know where to begin analyzing things.
I’m so lost. And I desire you. But I desire you as a drug. I want us to be happy and talk, and do good, and you have me do crazy things I don’t understand. I’ll do anything right now. Won’t you have me do something?
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