Age: 18 years 5 months 7 days
“I mean it feels like a lifetime when I feel this way” – Led Zeppelin
Redacted got back last night. And redacted and redacted came over to spend the night for a movie night. We hung out with redacted, redacted, redacted, and redacted. I can’t stop thinking about redacted.
I have no idea if he likes me. No clue whatsoever. Thinking about it, if you liked me things are too good to be true, and things that are too good to be true usually end poorly. I suppose it would be better to not date him and not experience the pain of losing the guy I wanted to marry. I’d lose a really cool friend also. I’d be hurt for a really long time if things didn’t work out.
So make it clear now. I want to know, for certain. He needs to tell me. He said that he doesn’t lead girls long. It would be great if you told me “ Kristen, I only like you as a friend” because then I would give up this ridiculous dream and at least try to stop thinking about him as my potential husband.
Thinking about it honestly, are there things I want in a husband that he doesn’t have? I don’t know if he’s a virgin… I can forgive that though as long as he feels with sex before marriage is not possible without losing a large part of yourself. I would be hurt if you couldn’t wait, but it depends on what his views on sex are. I’d like him to call me. Why doesn’t he? I can’t say, or get upset about a reason I make up. And I can’t ask why he calls other girls and not me. It could be that he’s uncomfortable calling me because he likes me. It’s easy to call friends. Or he might just not think about me, and I read too much into little things he does. Where it could be a million other things. How am I to decide what he’s thinking?
It’s annoying when he reads plays with others and doesn’t even consider that I’d like a part in it, or that it’s not that interesting for me to watch. I feel left out of the theater part. He doesn’t realize how I’ve always loved the theater. I never did a play.
I don’t know what he thought about the play I gave him. It would have been nice if he were so excited to read it that he read it right away. But sometimes one’s too busy, or they want to read it at the right time. One day he’ll pick it up and read it. I want him to like it though, because I do a lot. The play is Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead. I figured he’d at least love the part where they play the questions game. It’s a good play. I really love it. If he doesn’t like it at all I’d be upset. I don’t know if I would date him.
So far, we’ve liked the same sort of things for similar reasons. It’s been too good. Every time that I had a bad feeling about seeing him, this horrible dread of something awful happened, I’ve had a great time.
I’d like him to act more like he likes me in public. He’s different when we’re with a group of people. So am I.
He has to be crazy about me if I am to date him. I’m not sure that he is.
I don’t know what more I could ask for in a guy though. He loves the arts. He loves good movies, good music, he plays guitar ( I guess that he could play the drums :), like that’s a qualification).
He’s up for doing random things, he likes new people, he’s funny, he’s way too smart, he believes in you God, he doesn’t do drugs or drink, or smoke. He writes: and he writes well. He loves to read good books. He likes poetry. He’d be up for doing anything. I’ll stay up all night with me. He speaks another language! And he’s for an explanation mark he’s cultured. He likes good food. He cares about people. He tries to be the best person he can be. He gets to know people well. He does so many selfless things. He treats everyone well. His hug fits in mine. He can wrestle. He doesn’t complain about wasting his life. He’s a dreamer. He says he’s faithful. He believes in love. He’s always happy, never angry.
I might get jealous of him hanging out with so many other girls, but I’ll trust him if we date. I would never dream of keeping him from making new friends or developing deeper friendships with girls. I’d expect him to care for me in the way he cares for no one else, and that it would be a deep, true love. You have to trust me with guys as well.
Oh, I will stop, to the best of my ability, mocking him for being a pimp. It hurts him because it’s not him. It’s not funny. And he should never have to hide his face from his friends.
Let’s see, what more do I want in a guy? He has to think about tough issues, which redacted does. That is more liberal, I like that. I disagree with strong conservatives like redacted and redacted. It feels like they don’t think about things. My conservative side does grab hold of me with religious issues, but we can’t avoid problems.
I’d like my husband to be willing to skydive with me, and scuba dive, and have many great adventures of that sort. Satan would love to do that. He wants to go skydiving with me this summer.
My husband won’t be overly concerned about money. And redacted isn’t. Oh, I’m not sure I like the idea of him being a professor of college. That’s only because it seems like he should dream bigger, and use his gifts more. He could write a physics books, or a play, or be an actor, or direct, cure cancer, be a doctor and save the world. Those seem like the dreams dreamers like him have. It’s too easy to be a professor. There’s no risk. There’s no dream. I’m sure he’d like it, and be satisfied, but if he could do anything, would he be doing something else? It seems like he would.
Look at how much I’m writing again. God I would say “ Why did you let a guy this great into my life, only to find out he’s not the one? Why would you do that to me?” But God, no! Thank you so much for the great new friend I have. I’ve enjoyed college so much more because of our friendship. I look at things in a positive light. I’m more outgoing and I enjoy myself. So I want to thank you, even if you do intend our relationship to remain on a friendship level. It’s such a wonderful friendship. How can I ask you for more? A better question… How could I be angry at you for giving me the most wonderful friendship? It would be ridiculous, and how ungrateful of me! Know God, thank you so much. And always I will wait for your timing in your choice of husband for me. I’m expecting difficulties. But God, your picture is the only guy I want. I’ll try to listen to you over my desires. I’m yours, and I won’t leave you forgetting or any other guy. If we can’t have a Christian Asian chick, we can’t have a relationship. And then! You know how much I hate to say that. But I trust you. You are where I place my hope. Whew! That’s good to say, but also hard to say, because my desires for redacted are so strong. I’d give it all up for you. I’ll give you the best. I’m sorry for desiring redacted if it is against your will. Let me know soon okay? I’m trying to be as rational about the situation as I can be. I tried to think through my feelings in my actions. God, I know there are times when I feel I would honestly be with that no matter what you say. It won’t happen. I can’t have a relationship without you. Let me know soon though! Have gotten tell me that he doesn’t like me or something! Ah, I will be patient. Dang. And I remember that I didn’t have a clue that redacted would be a horrible person for me to marry for many months. You didn’t give me my definite signs. Everything went so well for a while. I’m glad to be passed that.
Okay, so honestly, do I desire more and husband? I couldn’t ask for a cuter husband. That’s true. redacted’s the most attractive person. I’d like it if my husband was in good physical shape and cared about his body. I’ll look… There’s redacted. It’s nice that he’s healthy. I think that being physically fit helps one to be emotionally fit and happy. I wouldn’t be fully happy if I were fat and always felt I needed to get in shape but was lazy. Speaking of which, I do want to start running. I really want to start doing something active. I’m not sure that I want to do it today though. Ah! That’s so bad. I should plan on going to the gym tomorrow. Okay.
Away from that note… What more do I want in a husband? I want to go on walks with him. We need to be able to sit in silence. Words aren’t always necessary. He needs to be passionate about what he’s doing. He has to love others.
So it would be nice if typing called me more or told me why he didn’t call me and why he called other girls. It would be nice to have a key to his place since redacted does. He could consider me a bit more, like when he reads place. And it would be nice if he read his Christmas present and really liked it. Anything else? He has to assure me that he likes only me quite a bit since he hangs out with other girls so much. And he could act like he still likes me when in public. Now that he acts like he dislikes me in public, it’s just different. That’s it. Oh wait, you could try to get to know my friends. He’s so social. I don’t know why he wasn’t with redacted or redacted. So then that’s it. That’s what bugs me honestly. A lot of those stem from me not knowing whether he likes me or not. And he has too many friends. I feel like I’m competing to keep up. Having too many friends isn’t bad though…
My head is probably clouded. There could be more main things I want in a guy that I’ve forgotten because redacted doesn’t fit in with them. I honestly can’t remember them though. Besides, I don’t know if that’s what I really want. I think it is, but I really wanted redacted. Yeah… Ha! That’s because he’s one of the best kids in the world.
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