Approximately 3:00am
Age: 18 years 4 months 25 days
Okay, I can’t sleep, I don’t want to, and I don’t want to go to bed on a bad note. So I am going to write. Or I’m going to read the Bible.
Yes, God, I miss you. It’s nice that you can be here with me. I’ve had a bad disposition for too long today. I woke up annoyed, because I went to bed annoyed the night before. That can’t happen tonight.
I don’t feel well. I need a drink or something. Yeah, I don’t know what’s wrong.
Our family is so cool. Redacted’s husband redacted is a lot of fun. I don’t remember ever meeting him, but I have. He’s great though. He’s a biker and loves trains. He has this insanely detailed model train world. And redacted is so creative. Her house is gorgeous and very artistic. My house will be personalized like that. It’s great to see redacted again. We didn’t have much to say, there are three generations between us and I don’t really know what she’s been doing but it’s still nice to see her. Redacted is great, and he likes good music. The place we’re staying is awesome. And we need it because people go to bed so early around here. Redacted went to bed at 7, the rest were ready for bed at 9 p.m. That’s crazy. But I guess if you want to get up before the heat here in Florida and that’s the way to do it.
During dinner, redacted reminded me that when I was younger, on a visit, I had written a play, and redacted and I performed it for them. I don’t remember actually doing a play for them, but even when I was little I remember writing plays or at least putting them on. I’ve put on a full American Girl doll play in the basement it sure would. It’s so wonderful that I did that. My love for this is deep-rooted. This really is my passion.
I’ve been a fanatic for movies since I was little, since Independence Day. That’s when I recall actually paying attention to the film. I still remember watching that movie. It was the first PG-13 movie I ever saw. I was so excited about the movie after I saw it. Then I went around analyzing all other films. It’s been a fantastic journey, evolution if you will, of film taste.
I know that I thought I was going to be a lawyer, but I really have always wanted to do something with film. I didn’t dare dream of something so impractical though. Redactedr asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up when I was a freshman in high school. Not that the question was unusual, but I remember it because I told him that I was going to be a lawyer. Then as a side note I said something about film. He told me that it would be very hard to be a Christian and a lawyer, not in that negative of a manner. But he went on to some detail about how he fully supported Christians making films because there’s so much opportunity in the media needs to be taken over for God. That’s not what made me choose them. I remember this instance though because I was challenged. No one has ever asked me why or that it wasn’t such a good idea.
I retell this story because it shows that even though I always had in mind to be a lawyer, I also thought about film as my love and my hobby. At that point in life I couldn’t dream up such an impossibility. To make a movie? What work! It’s crazy to dream of, and I can’t help it. God, this is what I want to do. Thank you for revealing the desires of my heart. It’s a perfect dream. And I will work hard and pour everything I have into my phone. I won’t give it my soul, that’s yours. But all my energy, all my creativity, all my thoughts, I’ll do it to my utmost best for you.
I’m happy now. I’m happy that this is so me. I’m alive and doing this God. Philosophy and film, there’s nothing more me. Why shouldn’t I proudly proclaim my majors. I know that I love to brag of them… It’s because to me, they are the best in the world. I do brag for the wrong reasons. I want people to think I’m smart and creative.
I defined myself with philosophy and film. I don’t like that. They’re not categories for a person. Yet it is that I embody these categories. That’s why I believe I am safe from confinement. How joyous to do what I love! And God, how marvelous it is that I can do it for you.
It makes sense, since I suppose I am defined by you. You are the category I never encompass. I am fully yours, through trials and tribulations and everything else in between. And only by you have I become such an individual as to have my own personality that includes philosophy and film.
That’s a weird concept. Through you, through full submission, I become an individual. Become a slave and gain individuality. I am made whole.
I forget that I love you again. I do with all of my heart. I wish to go to church now and learn more of your ways. I will read all of the New Testament over break if it will be your will. It’s a heavy burden, it seems, but I’ll do it, if you want and if you help. I don’t know what I should do. I don’t like being pressured to read it, and I would have liked to listen to it as a group. How will I catch up? It is not a thing to worry about… For tonight, I will read a bit of your word.
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