Nearly 12:30am
Age: 18 years, 4 months, 22 days
It feels so weird saying that it’s the 20th when it’s so barely past midnight. Good thing I wrote last night or I wouldn’t have written anything on the 19th. In my days I would have, but that’s another story. In my days it’s not the next day until you sleep, and that doesn’t include naps. It works in my mind.
Anyway, it hasn’t been a great night. I fought with redacted. It was my fault. I flipped while she was trying to figure out her voicemail to my phone. I actually think it was all me. Why did I do it? I have no idea. I don’t know why, but the worst in me comes out around redacted. Not all the time, but it comes out eventually. I need help with that.
And I ended up telling redacted how much redacted hurt me and made me angry by being mean all the time. Redacted called her, she told him she was mad at redacted, redacted was there so she talked to him and he felt bad. He apologized. It’s nice that he knows. It might be weird when I see him for New Year’s though. We’ll have to talk.
I love him, I realize. That’s why it hurts so much when he’s mean, or doesn’t care. He hasn’t even acted like my friend lately. It has been really bugging me. I remembered him though and how much I love him. And when redacted told him how he reacted, it came back to me. Not memories of something dead, our friendship is still alive. I remembered. I had forgotten how much I loved him, how much it would kill me to never see him. Same with the rest of those kids. I have loved to them with everything I have. And it’s wonderful and perfect. I love them.
What’s wrong with redacted? Why is he so upset or depressed every single time I see him? It brings me down. I really do love him. It’s nice to really love him.
I get angry. Is that a bad thing? I care deeply about the things I get angry over usually. But I probably shouldn’t get angry. Anger seems to lack understanding of the problem. But if that meant losing cash in… Could one be passionate about something like saving people’s lives and not be outraged when these people are killed. Yes. Substitute anger with different emotions. We’re not talking about losing passion, our Humanity, but lose negative reactions to unfortunate circumstances. Be passionate and use that in the best way, not the worst. How do I justify being angry? It shouldn’t happen.
So let’s see, I don’t miss redacted that much because I’m writing the script. Can we keep people alive with memories? When the lovers are separated so she can write to feel close to him? Probably not. We already have the rainbow as a reminder of their love.
I want to start on the script for redacted, redacted, redacted and redacted. I’ll do that, but not in this journal.
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