Age: 18 year 2 months 29 days
Approximately 2:00 am
Hey God. This Bible study / accountability group with redacted and redacted, what should happen? I’m concerned that we’re losing our friendships, that we focus too much on ourselves, that we waste time and don’t support each other. I don’t want to lose them. Is that why I’m doing this?
I want our time spent together to be real and honest. How can we get closer to you? Is this the way to do it? Or is this one of my dumb ideas of a purely selfish nature? It’s a bit of the last I think.
Well, we’re meeting Tuesday, what do we do? Do you want us together? It seems like they’re such great friends in you that it is only natural we should challenge each other. How else will we radically grow? Are we trying to do this without you though? Should we go through books? The Bible?? I think those didn’t sound like the good idea. What I have in my head is a real accountability group. We meet, we open up our real selves, our struggles, the ones I right in here, like how I’m having trouble talking with you and loving you, and how I’m even worse at loving others and doing your will. Yeah, crap, but how do we make this work? How do we love one another enough to do this. Should we establish common goals? I have all my ideas about what to do with, and no idea what really should be done.
Help!? I want more wisdom and understanding. I want to live, and I want to understand more how it’s only possible in you. I need help getting excited about you. Am I making these friends gods? Am I trying to replace you with them? I’m trying to make it so I rely heavily on them. How do I change that? Can we make this an honest accountability group, with clean motives? Is this really about you, or is this about me? If it’s about me, what should I do in life it’s about you? Am I doing things right?
This seems wrong now, like it’s about me. Dang, I don’t know how to do things for you. This was my best idea. I guess I’m coming up with ideas on my own. It’s silly. I think you would tell me something if I asked and was willing to shut up and listen.
This group thing is getting to be like politics, and we haven’t even started. But then, how do we, as the community we are, serve you? Ah! I’m clueless. I have my own ideas though.
Won’t you tell me yours? Or reveal to redacted or redacted what should be done. They might be better able to listen.
I don’t want to try to replace the need I have for you with my friends. I’m so foolish. I don’t even know how to serve you right. I turned it into something about me. What is this?
Should we meet? At least we’ll meet once. We’re meeting Tuesday at 9:30 p.m. at Steak and Shake ( 54th Street and Clyde Park). meet us there? The whole things about you after all. Sorry that I didn’t include you earlier. It’s been sort of my planning. It’s been like I’m pursuing their religion, not the truth. It’s become rules and games. Yuck. I never want that! Please come so that we can get to know you better. And how I longed to talk to you with all I have.
What’s wrong God? I can’t talk to you. I’m confused. I hear nothing, though I’m happy because I know faith is not a feeling, and maybe I’ve been praying just to get the feeling or sense that you are here with me. That’s praying for the wrong reasons. I don’t need to feel you. I know you exist. There’s some hope in that.
Anyway, I’m not sure what to do God I want you to tell me. Make your will clear. This is about you after all.
On another issue… (Ah…) help me with redacted. I thought about him a lot today. I don’t know what I want. I don’t want to do anything against your will. I don’t know what to do. I’m trying not to like him, but I’m so excited about seeing him Sunday. I do have some good things we can talk about it then though. Why do I like him God? Help me forget this quickly. It’s not right. I can do it, especially without knowing he plans on living (giving) his entire life for you. I hardly know him, why these feelings? I know not what I want (<– funny sentence). Paste this from me. Better idea: I give my dating life to you again, I give you my concerns. I give you my passions. I’ll serve you with them. Have fun with it though. I won’t do anything in a relationship / dating fence that is not your will. You can bring me my husband, if it is best I have one. Thanks for taking this, and guiding me. Help me not to take things too far it like I did with redacted. I do have that tendency. I loved you first. I tried to remember it. Please be with me when I wake up. I want to live. Guide me.
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