Age: 18 year 2 months 28 days
1:15 am
Hey God, I wanted to tell you about redacted. he’s too much of the type of guy that I like. The thought has occurred to me that he could be the one. I don’t see how it could be. And I feel low for thinking it. For one, I am just beginning to accept that redacted is not the one for me. Second, redacted has a girlfriend, and has been dating her for quite a while ( years I think). I’m going to live a Christian Life, and I don’t know if that’s his main concern.
I don’t want to be the girl that breaks up him and his girlfriend. I don’t want to force myself to like him either. It’s not right. I feel bad about this whole thing. That’s not entirely true. I don’t know what I feel.
Anyway, I masterbated the other day. I did it to test out what redacted said. He said we shouldn’t worry about our sins, we shouldn’t do it, but no good comes from feeling bad about it forever. I understand that I’m harming myself when I do it. It’s not about breaking one of your rules. It’s more like I don’t want to do it because there are bad consequences, such as it hurts my body, I get cramps and feel groggy. Second, when people find out about it, they look down on me. It has social consequences. You told me not to do it for my own good. It’s like traffic rules, you can speed, but when you do you’re less in control and are at greater risk of getting in an accident. We can speed, but if we get in an accident, we are harmed or harm is done. So we don’t speed, not because we can’t, and not because if we go a little over the speed limit we are breaking a silly rule, but because it’s for our own good. Am I right?
Your rules are there for our protection. We can break them, and no harm is done to you, but we are harmed. So why would we disobey. Your way is the way you can life. I believe it. It seems more profound than what I wrote. I’m looking at things in a new light, and what I wrote seems common sense. Oh well.
I don’t know how to live today for you. I’m incompetent and week. I’m bad at being friendly. It makes me sad that I go through this because we wronged you. It would have been nice to be perfect of my own strength, in perfect obedience to you.
I don’t really care for the easy way though. You are the way of life, and I must live. How do I not waste the day?
I really do want to get up for Greek tomorrow. Please help me. And help me to love others. I’ve been bad at that.
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