Age: 18 year 2 months 23 days
Approximately 1:00am
Okay, so I’m an idiot. Last week I truly understood why wise men do not recommend the road to wisdom. Nevermind, I can’t say truly. Rather I saw how little I know, and what I think I know, I have no idea. Things I was sure of, no question, Jesus is God, well, seems that is not biblically supported. At least it’s highly in question with a strong argument against it. And today I regret not having as much knowledge is the day I was born. Then maybe I wouldn’t be able to learn things right. As it is, I need to be untaught many of the things I have simply accepted all of my life. The now the man answers rooted in evidence. Yet, I’m hazy at vision and can’t make out exactly what needs fine-tuning and what needs forgetting.
Whatever it is, I found myself wishing that I had as little torch background as redacted, so that I would not have believed wrong things for such a long time. She had the advantage over most of us in her almost innocent ignorance of church doctrine. Where I found her question silly and obvious, but she was more right than I would ever have guessed. How much we learned, about creation, about eternity, about our fall.
And darn our faults. In stupidity, I had always been in a way thankful for the knowledge of Good and Evil. It seemed to give us personality, Freedom, all kinds of benefits, and we still get to go to heaven. I most surely would have eaten it, though it is too much for me to handle.
How foolish to think the way of life is now better than your original plan! You made us the best, it was perfect, the way it was supposed to be. But we gave up individuality. Now we are all made the same, covered by Jesus. It is the saddest mistake ever made. We gave up individuality. Don’t worry, I don’t feel bad. I’m sad for the loss, and happy that the brokenness is fixed in Jesus, though we are all now molded into one being in his likeness. It’s tragic.
Why do we still get to come to you? Because at a huge price and inconvenience to you in Justice against you was corrected and as a side effect we have the opportunity to be made right. Wow, it’s even less about me. I began to see how it isn’t about me. But it’s even less than I thought. Or I don’t understand. No, it doesn’t seem about me at all. It’s all about you. Don’t say “duh”.
lBut you love me? Is there anything special about that love? Your nature is love. You love everything you’ve made. You have to, you made it. Do you have to love me? I know that I don’t have to love you. And is there anything special in this love for me? Do you love me more because I choose to love you? And how could you possibly love more? It’s like how could you possibly love less? Do we have a relationship then? And is it special? Do you like hearing from me? Talkin to me? Helping me? Or do you have to because it’s your nature.
Are these questions foolish and missing the mark? How important is love? I thought it was central.
In all of this, all these questions I can’t answer, all these things I’m learning, I don’t love you less. I’m dumbstruck at how perfect it is. Things I thought could be answered, you give answers. And it’s perfect. It makes sense. Every piece of it. I don’t know why I would have thought it otherwise? I guess I thought that I would never see how it fits perfectly. I didn’t know that you reveal these things to people who ask.
So I can’t go back and pretend I never got a glimpse of how things are. The road ahead is tough, there’s so much I don’t know. And it’s the hardest path I think I could have chosen. And I’m proud. I can’t go back, and I wouldn’t want to. I couldn’t like not knowing, not trying to know. There’s so much to work out. Will I ever get it? That seems to be missing the point. Philosophy is still the path I am headed on. We’ll see how all the wisdom acquired by the world without you is the greatest testimony to your troops. We’ll see how it fits, see how it works, and I’m excited. Theology is also something I would like to do, but that’s in the future though.
I’ll go where you take me. I guess there’s some comfort in being guided by you and made complete in you. Some… But it’s unfortunate that we need you to be fixed, instead of living in obedience to how you first created us. So it goes…
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