Age: 18 year 2 months 7 days

Hi God. I am so bored. And the last thing I want to do is start this film paper. So I won’t, not until tomorrow. I have time.

I’m tired, and I can’t sleep. I don’t have a book that I want to read. I’m sad. I had an absurd dream where nothing reflected reality if I understand it. Redacted kissed me in it. It was great. But every other detail was so wrong that it makes it seem ridiculous. Also, how cruel!

He doesn’t even know that I love him like this. I’m not sure I want him though, or if I could love him with sexual love.

You know what is best. I realize that I have been trying to convince myself that redacted is not right, and it makes me want to be with him even more. I can’t do this. God. I don’t know what is happening, but I want to get married and I don’t. It’s an odd paradox. I’m not ready at the present but I wish it for the near future. And I don’t. Ah!

God, I want to be free to love you. I want to do this love thing right in every sense of it. I don’t want to ruin love. I don’t want to do things too fast, I don’t want to do them on my time.

I’m confused because I miss redacted too. That sucks. I can’t have feelings for him.

What is here will? What do I do?

God, redacted is a figure in my head now. He is not even a real person. I remember this happening with redacted. I get angry when I learned redacted’s faults, because it hurts me that he’s not who I want him to be.

God, I can give up redacted, or I can wait years for him. Whatever it is, I want him to be my real friend again. No illusions.

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