Age: 18 year 2 months 3 days
Hi. I’ve been running from you. I don’t want to anymore. How can this make things better?
God, I’m so low. I’ve loved you for three years and it’s not enough. I don’t love you enough. I don’t love others. I don’t know very much at all. I don’t even know what to say, and I don’t know if I mean what I do. I’m trying.
I don’t appreciate what I have and I have too much of what I do not need. Why do I have a car and a place to stay? More importantly, am I happy without them?
I want more and more. More knowledge, more wisdom. Much wisdom! I have such little understanding of things. I can’t even conceive your word being the great news that it is. I believe the Bible, yet I don’t know what it says. I want to know more, and I want to read it correctly.
I want to live but I run from the way of life. I cover my face in shame at my religion. I sent it to express my love for you. Where’s my joy? I want to be an example of life, of joy, of the right way and I don’t embody those, I lose my passion. I can’t remember the things that I’m passionate about. Love. Love is my favorite concept in the world. And free will. What better gift can I ask for? What could be more human?
But I don’t love others, I don’t serve others, and I do not give up myself for others. I mostly don’t even want to talk to others. I must live life. I must be the example. I can’t settle for less, especially knowing the truth. But I do settle. I am sick with myself.
I shudder to think people will disturb me even now, while writing this. What if they ask if something’s wrong? What do I say? I’m not living my life the way I ought. How is that they say? I don’t love you enough. I care more about acquiring more things than I do about strangers. I want to be an example of life and I fail. I can’t even remember that I love the only God with all I have. The words aren’t real to me. I am nothing.
Are you crying with me? Yes I miss you. Though I offer up these words, I do not say anything. I’m trying to tell you everything, but am I even talking? I have not offered these to you. They are for myself.
I’m ashamed. I’m ashamed that I don’t know more, that I don’t love more, that I don’t live more.
God, I’m worrying about money. I don’t want this. It might be good for me to not have a car. Why do I need it? It is a concern, a problem, and it eats my money. It adds to my worries. I feared debt from college, not this year, but I could worry about the future. No, I lied. I don’t fear debt of college. But I want the education. And I want to pay for it the best I can.
I don’t want money. The more I have some more it concerns me. How much I spend on this and that is troublesome. but I’m not horribly off. I spend my money without a thought when it is for life. I spend it for others, for fellowship. Ah, money is not an issue.
Except that I want to tithe, and I want to tithe radically. The plan, that redacted and I have established, before one not asking you ( I was running from your presence) is to collect our 10% and spend it on good deeds. We will open a bank account ( redacted, redacted, redacted, redacted, redacted, and I) and put our funds in. When one of us finds a person in need we help with our love and money. It means that we are looking out for ways to invest your money and invest ourselves into people or a worthy cause. How selfish it seems. Why do I not look for people now. I have money to spend, and how could I spend it more wisely than someone in need to? This tithe fund focuses on us. The thing is that I don’t want to hand over your money to a church I don’t belong to where I don’t know if it’s being used to the best of its potential for you. Could we use it to the best potential? I’m sure you will provide ways for us to get rid of it. We all need to be unselfish though, and recognize the money is not ours, and that when it is spent, it is spent well. The idea seems good and godly to me, but how dare us make plans to go through with it without turning it over to you? Can my ideas work to prosper your kingdom? It is all wrong. You are the one guiding. You are in control. You tell us what to do, and you don’t let my ideas disturb your true plan.
The idea seemed certain to fail, since it is from me. I’m trying to be Godly and pleasing to you. I’m trying to be the best. But I don’t even take the time to consult you. I’m weak and a fool.
I don’t know how to give you my tithes. No, not “my”. I don’t know how to return your money to you. Please tell me. I need to know.
Make clear your stance on the plan. I feel foolish for being so selfish and trying to pass it off as righteousness. I was doing this for me. I wanted to look better and do more. It’s not right. But you could use the plan. Take it. I have no idea how you want me to give you your money. You’ll have to make it known when I am better able to hear.
On another subject that is eating my humanity, I am overcome with lust.
Why are my words not real? Let them be real. I mean this. I don’t know how to say it better.
I think about sex every few minutes. I’ve planned on marrying redacted. I’ve toyed with the thought of sex with him. I can imagine it, and all it does for me is make me believe I’ll marry him. This is foolish and it’s ripping me apart. I forgotten who my friend is. He is now an object of my fantasy. But he’s a real person. And I love him as a real person, not as my mind loves the fantasy. I love him. That does not mean I can’t wait around with the thought of marriage. I don’t even know if I want that. You know though. You won’t reveal your knowledge to me. I might not be listening.
I’m sick of lust. I’m lonely. It’s filling an emptiness. I wanted to be filled by other company ( just talking) only moments ago. Again I return to a search for fulfillment in the wrong place. I know only you satisfy. But even before this, I went to see if I could not find redacted. I wanted to talk. I was avoiding you.
How silly. This time is more fulfilling than all the live lived in the world. I’d give all for a moment with you. I’m trying to make that real. I’m trying to give up all the ways of myself and live only in the field state of your being. I fail at this all too often. No, I fail every day. There are only a handful of times, I lived in you. And yet, I only want you. I…
Now you know why I run. How can I face you? You love me, and I don’t return it with all that I have. What is more shameful than that? My life should be different. I know you forgive me. Let me forgive myself.
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