Age: 18 year 1 months 25 days
Crap. I’m a philosophy major. I’m making a movie for you about your truth. And I can’t tell anyone about you. I’m not concerned with talking about things that matter. I avoid the topic of religion with all my might. Instead I engage in falsities. I pretend to be deep. I want to be living. I want to be real. But I am still afraid to stand up firmly for you, my only truth.
I’m so fake sometimes. I’m not living fully for you. It hurts to talk about. I want to avoid the matter.
God, I don’t care about redacted. I want to be with you. I want to learn the Bible and understand it. I want to be able to recall verses and passages. I want to know its truth and to recognize how truths found in the world are really the truths of the Bible. I want to relate things to you.
And I want to be able to talk about you. How come I don’t? I talked about everything else I love. Do I love those more?
I’m ashamed. I’m nowhere near the point I want to be at with you. It’s taking so long, and I’m doing so little. Why do I waste my time on things so meaningless. How dare I be so selfish that I can’t even talk to people who hurt? I can’t even offer a smile? I can’t even think nice thoughts. I’m impatient and self-centered. And I don’t want to be. I want to know you more. And I want to love others enough to tell them the truth. I don’t care enough if they hear it.
I love you. I won’t live for you half-heartedly. There are big changes that need to be made, and a lot of learning ( and even forgetting old ways). I need help. Teach me more and help me to understand. Kick me in the butt and help me to get moving. I have a lot to learn, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t help people come to know you with the knowledge I have now.
How can I always put you first? I love you, believe me when I say it. And I want to get out of my comfort zone, because this is not where you want me.
So hi. I’m talking with at least redacted, and hopefully redacted tomorrow on how we can support each other in you, and how we can grow. Sound good? I know it does. I think that you have stuff to tell us. Thank you for them.
I’m sorry for the lustful thoughts I had today about redacted. I heart desires him, but I trust you fully and rejoice in what you’re doing. I will wait patiently until (if) you bring me a guy to marry. Your plan is much better than mine. Your timing is all so much better.
What more can I say? I’m sorry. Now what can I do?
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