Age: 18 year 1 months 9 days
Hey God. I hung out with redacted yesterday and it wasn’t good. I went off on him about not living life. And I was mad at him, and I didn’t want to see him. Good night, huh?
I feel really bad because I don’t think that anything I said helps. I lost it with him. He’s frustrated and infuriated me. I insulted him. I basically told him that he wasn’t living.
And crap, all that now seems like the worst things I could have said. After I got home I remembered some of the things he said during the night. He talked about how his life sucked because this band thing didn’t look like it was working out because everyone is so fixated on the business. OOPS! Now I understand why he’s miserable. He’s not doing what he loves.
I wanted to help, that’s what sucks. I didn’t do anything of the sort unless he can somehow magically understand where I was coming from and realize how I didn’t understand him.
I don’t understand him. I want him to be happy, and I haven’t seen him happy or excited in a long time; and it gets to me. It really rubbed me the wrong way.
Like I said, though, I don’t get him. When I think I understand something I have it completely wrong. I don’t know what he’s thinking or feeling, I only know habits he has. I don’t understand why he’s so sad, or what’s wrong, and I want to. I pretend I understand sometimes. I don’t at all. I have never understood him.
Everything about us being right for each other seems ridiculous now. This is becoming redacted all over again. How do I stop? The way I’m acting with redacted reminds me so much of how I acted with redacted, and that’s not a good thing. These are things I’ve done wrong before and am repeating.
I’m trying to figure everything out. I’m trying to plan the future. I’m trying to make things go my way. I’m trying to be the girl for redacted. I’m trying to accept him. I’m trying so hard to understand him. And I’m trying to spend more and more time with him.
It really sucks.
God, I hate things about redacted. I hate how much he watches TV. I hate when he checks his cell phone. I hate his apathetic, mopey state. I hate that I don’t help cheer him up. I hate how he tries to impress redacted. I hate how little self-esteem he has. I hate how he doesn’t stick up for himself. I hate when he doesn’t care about things that I do. He bothers me so much.
But I really do care about him. I love him when he’s happy. It kind of bugs me when he’s a geek, but I like his hyper self better than the depressed mood. I hate his pessimism. But when he cares about me, or when he’s happy, or when he’s doing something for you I can’t think of a better person. That’s so similar to redacted I can’t stand it.
Redacted bugs the crap out of me when he didn’t care / notice me. But when we connected I couldn’t think of a better guy than him. I love him to death, but he’s not right. I wanted his infatuation with other girls to change. I got just as infuriated with redacted as I have been getting with redacted.
I want redacted to change to. I’m not happy when I see him and he’s a pathetic. I want him to be caring and passionate, and always alive in you. But the mood that I associate that with, that’s not him. That’s only part of him. That’s the part of him my love. But do I love him as he actually is? I think I might just love things about him. He’s not my dream guy. He’s not the perfect ideal.
I care deeply about him though. And I can’t think of a better guy (but redacted’s a close second). I’d be happy to love redacted for the rest of my life. I’d be overjoyed too.
So, I realized that I have no idea what I want. I’m clueless. I don’t know who’s best for me, or who all be happiest with. It seems if I either had married redacted or now marry redacted I would have been just as happy. That doesn’t seem right. So I don’t know what I want. I don’t know if I want redacted. I know I love him, but I could be mistaken friendship love for marriage love. It’s confusing. A bit of that happened with redacted.
This sucks. It’s weird not knowing if I really want to be with redacted or with my mind’s idea of redacted. Ah! God, this has gone too far. My friendship with him is only getting worse. I’m getting hurt. I’m overanalyzing and obsessing over phrases. Things aren’t better when I see him then when I imagine being with him.
This is all wrong. I’m glad that we’re not dating. I need to know who and what I Loved Before I can do that.
Take this God. I’m sick of the way I’ve been acting in the way I’ve been treating him. It’s wrong. I’m sick of pretend. I’m confused. I don’t even know if I like him. Take this confusion for me God. Help me to get over redacted and not put things on him. If we are made for each other, fix my mistakes and put us together your way. If we’re not made for each other help me come to this understanding and help me to refocus my desire on you.
Help me not to be overbearing. Please let us continue in our friendship, as I have with redacted. Help us always to be real with each other. Help me follow your ways. Add my heart so I know what to follow. It would be nice if you took this whole mess away from me right now.
Help him. I really do care about him and it doesn’t involve me. His dream is being attacked by money. But it’s like all of their decisions about pursuing money and balancing the band work. It’s like I’m watching the band fall apart and I’m hope I’m wrong. Fix the mistakes. Guide the business. If this is your plan for them, great, I don’t understand it though. This is really hard though, so help redacted with it. Let him know that I love him. Help him to understand what I meant by my words.
God, I love you.
Can’t get enough? Subscribe to my diary newsletter!
http://www.diaryofamindweird.com
And/or support me on Patreon to find out my current thoughts on my past self:
Mindweird 
Leave a Reply