Age: 18 year 0 months 21 days
(I mistakenly put 7/19 in the diary entry)
Hey. I miss you. And writing doesn’t help me hear you. Well, okay, fine, it’s helpful. You want me to write I guess so that you can reveal things to me.
I feel like I’m on a programmed, automatic talk with you, not like my best friend talk. That’s weird. I felt like I’ve been program automated talking with redacted lately also. My heart is cold. I don’t want to see him even. What’s happened to my friendship with my best friends?
God, I’m not sure I really hear from you. I’ve been acting on what I thought was definitely you speaking to me, but I think you’re simply allowing me to think things and believe they’re from you so that I learn something. Not cool because I truly felt they were from you and not my own. Are you fooling me? I can’t even tell. It seems I’m having a conversation with my mind. Or my heart… :)! You live in my heart. If you are speaking to me that’s where you speak from.
I miss loving you though. I’ve been following you in the world. It’s good to do things for you. I forget how amazing, wonderful you are. I miss that realization I guess. I want to scream your praises. It’s my mind though, not my heart. I know in my mind of you, but my heart has grown colder. No, it long for your guidance. You’ve left back though and given me to my own for a bit. You’re letting me live life and I thank you for removing your hand. I’m throwing in knowledge and understanding.
So about redacted… I’ve called too much. I feel stupid. I regret calling because he hasn’t answered once this week. I haven’t talked to him since last weekend. I’m fine with that. I don’t miss him. In fact I dread seeing him lest it be as it was. I don’t want to see our friendship reduced to nothing.
I’ve begun to pretend I’m his girlfriend again. At this point I’m glad I’m not though. If I were right now would be infinitely more painful.
Where are you God? Have I lost you? Have I forgotten to ask your opinion is? I’ve begun to really believe I will marry redacted. I started planning how the future will work out. These dreams, ah, they are fun, but how damaging! No, they are my desires and the only damaging thing is I forgotten that your will is my one first desire and that life without him is secondary if it is your will.
I have no idea if redacted is in your plan for my life. My hope is diminishing. I’m happy to do your will.
God, I’ve screwed up because I’ve strayed from your will and interacting with redacted. Take me back. Forgive me. And if possible, give me another chance with redacted. Next time I see him, whether it be tomorrow or in a year let it be because he want us to talk, not because we want to fill time. It’s dangerous when we hang out to fill time. It’s unfruitful and we leave unfulfilled.
I don’t know when you next want me to see him. I honestly don’t want to see him for a while. When I next see him let him be the one to plan things though. I’m not going to call him anymore.
Take our relationship. Come back into our friendship. Take me back. I love you.
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