Age: 18 year 0 months 16 days
(I mistakenly wrote 7/14 in the diary entry)
God, I’m dying. I spent the night at redacted’s last night. I’ve actually seen redacted for, well, this is the third day straight. And it’s been absolutely awful.
I was really excited to see him on Thursday. But when I saw him, he killed me. The whole night I felt worthless; I felt like I didn’t have any place in his life. He belittled me and my dreams, made me feel like a worthless person. It made me so angry that I couldn’t speak. He made it clear that it was miserable for him being there with me. He was bored out of his mind. Everything he said was insulting. It killed me because I was so happy to see him.
He didn’t mean to hurt me the way that he did, but he’s been doing it for three days now. Thursday night I spent the night at redacted’s. We had a really great talk. I wasn’t angry at redacted anymore, not really. He hurt me deeply by forgetting our friendship but I tried to understand him.
I can only see my perspective. I don’t know what’s wrong with redacted, if anything other than he’s sick of being with me. It’s more like he’s hurting though.
I want to be as friend again. I feel like a stranger who he hates. He doesn’t want to be around me, he doesn’t want to look at me.
We’ve barely talked the past few days. I’ve been struggling with knowing what to do though. Should I tell him how I’ve been feeling? And what should I say? How can I say this in a way that doesn’t hurt or attack him? Or should I leave this alone and go on with my life? In a short amount of time he’ll probably be happy to see me again. I’ll remember he loves me and that we have a deep, close friendship.
If I don’t say something though there could be this wall that tears us apart. I don’t know what to do. I’m so hurt and he doesn’t know or care.
His mood probably doesn’t concern me. It probably has to do with the band and their new business thing. He may feel like he’s being pushed to the side, the outcasts of the band again.
People aren’t listening to him either. We don’t respect what he has to say or what he wants to do.
I guess if I were to talk to redacted right now, what would I say?
I’d say, redacted, you really suck lately. I don’t know what, if anything is wrong with you, or making you upset or angry, but you’ve really hurt me. You’ve made me feel like I’m wasting your life. You’ve made me feel little and stupid. You’ve made it obvious that it’s horrible to be with me and that you’d rather be doing something else.
It seems like you’ve forgotten that were even friends. I feel like I’m that annoying person dragging you down. You made it seem like I have no place in your life and that sucks. Because I love you and value our friendship above many things. I like being with you and spending time with you even when we don’t do anything.
What sucks so much as I can’t enjoy being with you when you absolutely hate being with me, and it’s hard to deal with these mood swings. It’s hard to know that you love me and can even confide in me one day, and the next I am a stranger to you for you would rather not see.
It’s true that I have probably seen you too much in the past few days but I still did not deserve to be disrespected.
I know that you love me and that you care about me and value my friendship. Right now though it feels like you don’t want me in your life.
All of my feelings are probably unmerited. That’s why I haven’t addressed you yet. I miss knowing that I’m your friend so and that you enjoy being with me.
Start over…
I’d say: redacted, you know how you hate it when I make it seem like spending time with you and the rest of our friends is wasting my life and then I could be doing far better and productive things? Well, you’ve made me feel like I’ve been wasting your life for the past two days. You’ve treated me as if I were a stranger with no part in your life. Things I care about have been shot down. You haven’t even talked to me like a human being. You’ve made it seem like you want me out of your life, and that hurts.
You probably didn’t intend to do any of this to me, but you have. I want you to stop and not see me again until you are happy to see me and will enjoy my company.
God, I want to tell him this because it’s really been hurting me and I don’t think I should keep it to myself. I don’t want to do this in a way that will push him further from you though. I want this to help him understand some of his faults, or the way his actions affect people. I want the conversation to be productive and help him grow closer to you. That’s why I had to plan my words out. It would be so easy to attack him and get nowhere. I really don’t want to hurt him.
I need the right opportunity to do this though. Please give it to me and then remind me of what I have to say. I don’t think that I’m actually going to have the strength to do this. It will be a lot easier to let it go. Also, I’m running out of time.
Can’t get enough? Subscribe to my diary newsletter!
http://www.diaryofamindweird.com
And/or support me on Patreon to find out my current thoughts on my past self:
Mindweird 
Leave a Reply