Age: 18 year 0 months 13 days
(I mistakenly wrote 7/11 in the diary)
I’m at work. It’s kind of raining though and redacted is talking to people, so I figured I would be productive.
I keep thinking about redacted, but I’m sick of dreaming. I’m not learning anything doing this, I’m just wasting my day with happy thoughts of him. I want to see him again. I want to do something. I’m really sick of daydreaming all day long though. But what else am I supposed to think about? What else am I supposed to do?
God, I don’t even know if my feelings are returned. I hope that he’s not flirting so much for fun. I hope he realizes what he is doing. I realize that I am flirting with him. I don’t want to be a temptation or distraction for him though.
God, I realized I’m not talking to you. No God, this prayer is to you.
I don’t want to ruin my relationship with redacted. I’m scared of dating him because I’m scared of losing him. I’m scared that we would break up and I’d lose not only my best friend, but I’d also lose redacted, redacted, and redacted. I’d lose the band. Redacted and I have the same friends. We couldn’t divide them up. It would hurt too much to break up with redacted and have to see him. Things would never be the same.
On the other hand, I love him, there’s honestly a chance I’ll marry him, and I’m willing to take the risk of dating him in hopes of marriage. I’d rather not date him and simply get married, but I don’t think we’ll work that way.
God, maybe this attraction to redacted will pass with more time and we’ll be able to be best friends without other strings for life. I have no idea what is going to happen with this but I’m going to stick to your plan. I really want to do your will in this.
I don’t want to dream about redacted and make things up about him in my head. I don’t want to love and image of him. I love him when I’m with him if anything.
God, I’m not worried. When situations arise please help me understand what your will is. Guide me in this. This relationship is yours. I’m happy with how things are going.
God, my friends are questioning what they are going to do with the rest of their lives. I feel a bit weird and closed-minded because I’m so sure of philosophy and film. I’m scared to do film though. What if I’m no good? What if I never think of my movie? What if I can’t write it out well?
I hate feeling little things. I hate editing. I don’t want to do all that work in order to make my film. But I do, because I want to make a movie more than anything. I can’t think of anything I want to do more. So I know this is right, and that you will use my movie. It’s going to be so hard. I might fail, but I would never forgive myself if I didn’t try and give it my all. This is where my life is heading.
I want my movie to be about life. I want it to show people how to live. I want my movie to touch people deeply. I want it to heal their broken hearts, Point them to the truth, make them think long and hard about life, about reality, about what we really know.
It’s so exciting to be pursuing this career. I know that I can do it. I’d like to spend the rest of the day working on the movie thing. It might not happen.
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