Age: 18 year 0 months 11 days
I’m bored out of my mind. I’m looking for something to fill my life, searching and everything. I thought of every movie I could see and I don’t want to see any of them. I want something with a miniscule amount of meaning.
And man, do I miss redacted, which is why today is not a good day to see him. I want him to fill this void in my life, and he’ll only disappoint.
All the movies already disappoint me. I can’t think of a single one I’m willing to see, except David and Goliath. Want to know why? Maybe because I’ll find you in it.
Obviously I need you and I want you. I’m empty. Life is bland, boring, uneventful. I can’t find joy in anything. I have no motivation. I have things to do, but I am too lazy. I can’t even honestly invest redacted’s life, and I love her to death. I don’t want to do anything. The only thing I feel like doing is sitting and hoping that tomorrow will be a better day.
God, I don’t know how to find you. I’m cynical again. I’ve been saying things against you that I don’t mean. I’ve listened to Satan’s lies.
There are hours left in the day. All I want is to speak with you. I want to spend time with my best friend. I miss you. I don’t know what to do. I haven’t heard from you, though I’ve desired your input. I’ve been running around as a result. Actually, I’ve kind of been waiting. See, I don’t know what to do now that I haven’t heard from you. I don’t know how to act with redacted, or what friends to see, or how to help. I haven’t enjoyed life as much.
I know always that you’re with me, and that you love me. I know you may be testing me, and I’ll follow. I’m trying not to fail. I’m trying to do your will, but I’m not sure what you want me to do.
I’ve avoided setting apart time for you lately. I tried to squeeze you in rather than put you first. It’s not worth it.
Yesterday I wanted to be with you but I didn’t try. Instead I moaned about canceling plans to go to the beach. I’m still proud of myself that I tried. I gave up a day with redacted. I know that it wouldn’t have been as good as the days before, and that I’d have regretted seeing him. I would have put too much on him, and become angry with him when he couldn’t fulfill my desires or my emptiness.
God, I need a purpose. I need a direction. I need something to do every day of my life. I don’t know how to fill up my time since I’m ignoring you. It doesn’t work.
I’ll do what you want, please tell me what you want. I’m your waiting servant, and I’m so willing.
I’ve learned a few things today that I wanted to write out to help me think about them. It concerns redacted though. Would you like to hear what I’ve learned about myself while I also think things over? I don’t want to forget. I know this was revealed to me by you. You’re still guiding my relationship with redacted! Since I don’t know what else to do, I am going to reflect on it.
The other night I was talking to redacted. She was telling me about dating redacted. They both struggle with the thought that they are not right for each other and are wasting time, energy and their lives. It’s a risk redacted’s willing to take though. Redacted may not be right for her, but if she was too afraid to date him she would never know. Dating is the only way she’ll find who is right for her. It’s a risk, but it needs to happen.
This made me think because I never want to date again. I just want to get married. And I realized that I’m still afraid of dating. I’m afraid of a relationship being meaningless. I’m afraid of giving myself to someone and getting hurt.
That’s not true, or correct. Um, here’s my view: dating people for a game does not serve you. It hurts everyone involved. It’s the reason you’re dating is to have someone to be with though you don’t know if you can marry him, what’s the point? No. If you’re dating to get to know the person and what the point? Isn’t that what friendship is for? Yes. Dating to get to know the person and see if he’s still the one is not right. Dating does not allow one to see clearly. You need to get to know the person through friendship first.
Now if you develop a deep, personal friendship with someone, and you really get to know who he is and you think you could marry him then now I see it could be right to date. Dating is a risk. It raises the stakes. See, with me and redacted, we have a deep friendship. And it’s going so well without the confusion of dating. I do not want to have to date him, because I risk losing him forever.
Couldn’t it work out that we never need the label of boyfriend/ girlfriend? I don’t think so anymore because then there’s no risk. I freeze up when thinking of calling him my boyfriend. The label would make us more aware of how we touched each other because there would be consequences and getting close by touching and then breaking up.
I don’t want to lose the elements that make our friendship great though. I don’t want to feel like I have to talk to him every night or see him as much as possible. I don’t want to feel like we need to hold hands, or that if he doesn’t hug me at the end of the night we have a problem. I don’t want to be forced into things because of the label. I don’t want things to be weird. I don’t want our conversations to be forced. I don’t want to feel like I have to tell him all of my problems. I don’t want to lose our moments.
But I’m willing to take a risk. I need to before I can get married.
Here’s my reformed opinion on dating: people should not date until they know the person and know that they could marry him / her. When they feel there’s no one else they could ever see themselves with, then they may date or get married, according to your will. Dating is a risk, but marriage is even more so.
If redacted asked me to be his girlfriend tomorrow I’d be scared to death with the thought of losing my best friend. I would never do anything to hurt him, and never lead him on.
I now believe redacted and I will have to date before we get married, if that ever happens. God, I trust you and trusts the relationship to you. If you want me to date redacted sometime in the future but not marry him I wouldn’t understand why you made me go through the pain of dating, but I trust your good plan. I know your wisdom, and I know that your path is not easy. A date to get married though, nothing less. I don’t fool around; I don’t play games. I give myself up according to your guidance and permission in hopes and uncertainty of finding my husband. I will do it as often as you demanded of me also.
Love is not a thing to be wasted.
“ Whatever you do now must be done wholeheartedly” Jones Soda Bottle cap
God, I feel better prepared now if redacted did desire to date me. Maybe it will happen in your time. We don’t need to rush anything though.
It is quite possible that we should wait until we are ready for marriage today. I’m good with that.
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