Age: 17 years 11 months 30 days
God, I’ve been so angry with you since I accepted overall rectora. It wasn’t working out. I couldn’t even talk to you. Redacted accepted the Rector position. As you know, I just went and told redacted and redacted that I wasn’t going to be overall anymore. It was really killing me. Last night, I was miserable. I couldn’t find happiness and I was running from you. I was so angry and confused. I wanted to do your will, my God, I couldn’t be over all and be happy, especially without redacted. I couldn’t do it. God I did what was right. It was right to tell them that I’m not doing it. I’m happy right now and I’m not angry at you. I was so angry.
God, now I’m hurt though. They told me all their concerns at my being leadership. Redacted said I didn’t listen to her while leading Wheat Team. That’s probably true. They were all very hesitant about picking me up at the council meeting. They thought it was inappropriate that I talked about masturbation in my talk. God, I didn’t want to say that. They really do think less of me. They judged me. They felt I was inappropriate. And they judged my leadership ability based on that. That sucks. They also didn’t like the things I said about TEC, which is understandable. They brought up everything I’ve done wrong. It sucks.
God, I gave my heart. I gave you everything. I love you more than anything and I gave you all I had. And they hated my talk. It’s discouraging. Good thing I wasn’t out to win their approval.
They don’t know what went on because of my talk though. They don’t know that redacted could now be free with this struggle. They don’t know that I was freed. They don’t know that it helped redacted, touched others and didn’t hurt discussion.
They excused redacted’s sins as something people can identify with. That doesn’t make them better or any less harmful. And it’s just as great that she’s been freed mostly from their grip.
Mine was inappropriate because of the most shameful thing ever. It’s even okay when people talk about how they had sex or addiction to porn. But mine is the equivalent to being homosexual (from a Christian perspective); you can’t talk about it in church. I was inappropriate and I should have talked to a senior director.
I’ve done a lot of things wrong it TEC. This was not one of them.
The council also had a lot of things wrong with it. They don’t understand what you’ve revealed to me. Likewise, I don’t know what you revealed to them.
I know I’ve made mistakes, but I trust you to work through them. TEC makes mistakes, but they are meaningless in the big picture because despite our shortcomings, people came to you.
I feel bad about their opinion of me. It sucks to be put down so much after doing your will. They don’t understand.
The council has never felt I was good enough. My comfort is that you chose me against their wills and opinions twice now. They’ve always had their reservations when it comes to choosing me. But you tell them you’ll use me in spite of my faults because I’m willing to do your will.
God, what allows me to get past this is that, despite everything, you chose me first to be overall rectora. Over everything you knew that I could do it, and you needed to let me know. I would have been crushed if I found these things out and you hadn’t said I was qualified despite what others think. You know my heart. I’m all yours.
It’s good to be able to talk to you again. I was so angry that I was running. I didn’t even talk to redacted.
God, even though I’m not working TEC, let me work every day for you. I want all of my time dedicated to you, like it would have been working TEC.
And help me with the video. I want it to be really good. You know I want everything to be really good, so help me with this. I’m glad to not work TEC 19. I’m going to miss working with redacted though. It would have been great with redacted. Working solely for you with an amazing partner would have been ideal. You know I was willing.
Be with this next TEC. Be with redacted and the new rectora. Give them the wisdom, patience, and dedication will need to go through with this.
Your love still touches my heart. Thank you for standing up for me at the council meeting. They doubt me, but you know. It helps that you told them I can do the job.
God, one little thing about redacted. I was talking with redacted last night about him and redacted. He’s fallen out of love with her but can’t end it because he’s not sure about things. Anyway, redacted’s life is so involved with redacted that she doesn’t see anyone else or have time to focus on herself. God, I’ve begun to get to the point where if redacted isn’t there then things don’t mean as much. God, I still have my own life. I have friends other than redacted that I want to see and care about. College is really good because it will force me to the others a lot more. And this break from redacted was good because I got to see redacted, redacted, and redacted more. I love them and I want to see them more than I do. Don’t let me get to the point where I only want to see redacted. There are other people who I care so deeply about. And I want to see them too. That’s why it’s good that to spend less time with redacted. Thank you for being so wise in this issue and keeping me from redacted. If it be your will though, let me see him tomorrow. It’s my birthday after all, and I haven’t talked to him in a long time. I want to talk to him and see how the trip was. After my birthday though I don’t have to see him everyday. In fact, don’t let me. I have other people to see. That’s it. Thank you God, especially for letting me out of working this next text. I love you. Sorry for being so angry. It was hard for me.
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