Age: 17 years 11 months 26 days
Hey God. I’m bored and lazy and in a bad mood. I don’t want to do anything but I am miserable at being lazy. I’ve been very lazy and in a very bad mood all day. I got a cute haircut and my glasses fixed; that’s about it. Oh, and I finished that Quest For Love book.
I just quickly skimmed through some journal entries out of boredom and now I am even more discouraged. It seems like things have been going wrong with redacted for a month now.
I’m trying to be mad at you or to care or something; but I think about it, and it’s okay if he’s not the one. I’m hurt only in the sense that in my mind he’s right and now I have no clue who I am going to marry.
I have this tendency to try to figure out who I am going to marry. I also tend to try to figure out my whole life. These tendencies are silly but not ridiculous.
God, I miss the times when you let me hold and touch redacted and be with him. At that time you were okay with it. Now you aren’t, but I still long to hug him and goof around in his arms.
God, this is all so weird that I am writing out my prayers. It kind of sucks. Why can’t I talk to you anymore. I guess that I do still talk to you, and talking is better than writing. I write to sort things out. I write so I remember things. I write more for my sake than for coming closer to you. We work better when we talk.
God, here’s the thing. I love you. It’s crazy, but I really love you. My mind is keeping me tied to redacted, like I’m not ready for him to leave my mind yet because he’s still so great. But I’m not as concerned with marrying him. I finally understand how he feels about marriage, and I respect him and his lack of desire to be with anyone.
Now I find myself mostly lacking the desire to be with anyone. I look at things and see how hard it would be to be married. I’m willing to make the sacrifices, but I’m not ready yet.
The only thing I’m sad about is, well, I’m not sure. Maybe I’m sad that I’ll have to wait a long time, if not eternity, before married, but I’m happy with waiting for your time. I guess I’m sad about not feeling like redacted is the right guy anymore, because I really do want him to be. I can’t think of anyone I could like more, but I felt that way with redacted and you surprise me with redacted. So I am certain that you can surprise me again with someone even better for me than redacted.
God, if it could work, redacted is great. I’d be the happiest girl in the world if he were the guy for me. And I’m not ruling out that possibility. It’s just that I’ve decided to do your will, and that means giving up on the extravagant plans with redacted and living day by day, without trying to predict the future.
As it is, I’ll need help making it everyday keeping in line with your plan. When I see redacted I’ll keep my distance physically to stay pure in your sight. Help me to stop the people who say we are going to marry, because that only leaves me on. Help me to fully follow your will. I know that if you don’t think redacted is right for me then I don’t want him.
I think about it and it’s crazy that I even developed feelings for redacted. He’s been a brother to me most of my life. I’ve always loved him, but never liked him. He was always a mystery to me why girls didn’t fall head over heels for him, because of all the guys I’ve met he’s one of the most deserving. Minus a few odd quirks, he’s the best guy in the world. I’ve always felt that the girl he ends up with will be the luckiest girl ever. All that time I wondered why I couldn’t find any feelings for him in myself. I was never attracted to him until recently, except this one month. A year or two back when he was all I could think about.
One Sunday I saw him at the beach for redacted’s bible study on the beach. I hadn’t seen him in a while so it was great to see him. We hugged, and he hugged me and didn’t let go. We hugged from what might have been two minutes. I felt so loved and cared for from then on I was crazy about him. That only lasted a month though until the confusion of redacted popped back into my life.
That month and now are the only times I have ever been attracted to redacted. I’ll never forget that hug. He fits so perfectly in my arms.
God, I’ve never found myself floating so much with any other individual. God, you know me. I just don’t flirt like that. But with redacted, I found myself wanting to give him a back rub or play with his hair, things I wouldn’t dream of doing to anyone else. I wouldn’t even dream of hugging others the way I hug redacted. He’s different. He’s the only boy I’ve ever found myself wanting to do things for. Even back with redacted I wouldn’t have dreamed of serving him by rubbing his back. I would never put myself in that lower position.
I feel so good about doing your will though. I trust you fully with finding me a husband. I’m glad to be waiting for your blessing. And I’m happy to be single right now. I’m also extremely happy about deciding to never date again. I feel it will save me a lot of headache and worrying and also that is what your will for me to now only be with the one I marry. I am not worried with the thought of being single. I am also not worried with how things will work out with redacted. And I’m not angry anymore with having to wait for your time. I’m even happy that I get to wait for who knows how long, trusting in you.
Help me live one day at a time and to shut up and pedal. Thank you for the peace and happiness you’ve blessed me with.
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