Age: 17 years 11 months 23 days
Hi God. I just got done talking with redacted, and I feel bad because I’ve really forgotten how I know logically that you exist as an absolute real, not just a lesser real of my imagination. Since I don’t know how I know you exist, other than my own supernatural / divine experiences, I don’t know how to help or even answer redacted’s questions.
God, redacted’s trying to figure out life. She’s again searching for what she believes. She’s a smart girl and God, she wants to know why you aren’t there in her life. She wants to know why she’s tried so hard to know you and still her life has always sucked. She wants to know why she can’t find happiness. I don’t have a nice easy answer. In fact, I am plagued with these questions also.
It’s been so long since my faith has been challenged. I know you exist, but how? I don’t have the answer. I seem to be closed-minded and without thought. Great, I never wanted to blindly believe in you.
I’ve struggled with these things too. Where are you in her life? God! I’m talking to you! She’s going to give herself to sex and she’s too precious lose a part of her soul for something so fleeting. She’s worth more. She’s falling. She can’t eat, she’s smoking again, she’s doing drugs, and she doesn’t care ( or part of her doesn’t care) about having sex. She thinks she may regret it, but doesn’t really care. How do I show her she’s worth more? How do I show her that even without you she doesn’t have to give herself up? How do I show her that you are not just real to me, but you are real to everyone?
Crap God, how do I even know things? How do I know that I’m not talking to myself.
Don’t you love redacted enough to go to her? Yes, she’s turning from you. She doesn’t want you. She’s doing things on her own.
God, if you’re not real my life is a waste and a joke. I’ve done nothing of meaning. I’ve been blinded. I will have been blind to the truth, the only thing I strive to find. How can I be sure of your absolute real status? You’re real to me, but that doesn’t matter.
There is the view that real is real in the eye of the beholder. This view is blind. It seems limited by itself because it claims to know the truth. There are different truths to different people it claims. There’s a God for you and none for me but we find our meeting. This view tries to encompass everything.
My mind is struggling to make sense of redacted’s question and how my views hold true. I could just pray the simple prayer that you reveal yourself to redacted in the way you show yourself to me, but that’s dumb and blind. God, I can’t just forget these things. I must wrestle for understanding. Why don’t you make yourself known? How do I know you are real for everyone when redacted has tried so hard for you and you’re never there for her? How do I know the Bible’s absolute certainty? And when did I become the person who doesn’t care to think about these things? Why has my mind been so ill-used for so long? These issues won’t disappear. They come as a strong challenge against you. I need help in understanding how this works.
Don’t let me get lazy. Like I said, it would be all too easy to forget these issues and rely on my strong faith that you exist. I don’t doubt that you exist, I simply don’t understand how this works out. It must work out, and if it doesn’t, if I find it can’t work out, then I find a can’t believe in you.
This is important to think through. Why don’t you make yourself known fully to redacted? Why don’t you make her happy? How come she claims her life is just as bad with you as without you?
I’m really thinking to myself here. You’re not answering. You’re just listening to me think. Here is a case where I really am working out the problem through thought rather than with your help. If I can think through these issues can’t I think through them without you?
I don’t understand where I am going with this anymore. I need two things, but it’s hard. I don’t understand. I don’t want redacted to throw her life away and do things she regrets, but how can I help until we logically work through these answers, without the foundation of you? There has to be an answer in the world, or a way the world can help find the answers to point to you. After all you gave me the world to show people yourself. When they don’t believe in you to begin with, I can use you as the starting point.
But she’s struggling with questions of your existence in with your rules. Wow, over and over again I see how incompetent I am to do things. How can I help when I am so powerless. It’s like with redacted, how do I show her you when she’s heard it all?
I don’t know, but it’s clear I have to take the path of the world. You are the goal I intend to show, and I never doubt (beyond speculation) that you exist. I know that you live in me, but if it’s proved through the world that you can’t exist, then I have to keep looking for absolute truth. Help me with this though. These problems are larger than me, and I do not understand.
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