Age: 17 years 11 months 21 days
I haven’t written in here in a while. It’s the Monday after TEC. Hi God. I’m confused and not doing so well. Ah, I don’t know where to begin. I guess the most prominent thing on my mind is redacted. Let’s talk about him first and then about TEC.
He worked this TEC also as Wheat Rector. Anyway, God I can’t like him anymore. It’s wrong. No, that’s not it. It could be okay for me to like him. But the way things are happening are wrong. God, I don’t want this anymore. I don’t know. I’m confused. I’m so very confused.
I could honestly see myself marrying him, but I don’t want that. I don’t know. Right now I think about him and I think about if it’s realistic to think about marrying him. It’s probably not realistic.
Things aren’t good anymore. Things are wrong. I’m not doing your will with this. He’s not coming after me, I’m coming after him. But God, when I try to say “Okay, I’ll stay away from redacted” he’ll come up and put his arm around me or something. He’s not helping at all. He does things like that, but that’s just kind of normal behavior for us. He doesn’t seem to want me in the way I want him.
I feel like this is one-sided on my part. I even feel like I just feel like this because I want to be in love, not because I’m actually in love with him. Everything is so wrong! I can’t even make sense of what I’m feeling.
I don’t want to see him today, but I would if he called me up.
Ah, I don’t even know if I actually like him anymore. He bothers me.
God, I’m not doing good at pretending I don’t like him and still being his best friend. Ah, but where’s our friendship even? It seems to have gotten shallower. He’d rather talk to redacted than me.
God, this is so messed up. I’ve taken it into my own hands and haven’t been trusting you. And now I have no idea what’s going on. Make things clear to me. We’re not right for each other are we? I don’t think so. Help me to not like me anymore. I only want to be his friend. It’s so much easier.
It sucks that he’s so great though and that I care about him.
Sleep ZZZ…
Dang redacted! God I even want to see him today even though I really want to talk to you. I was hoping he or redacted had called. They didn’t and I’m glad because the temptation to go out with them rather than spend time with you would have been great. No God, I have so much to talk to you about. The night is yours.
Obviously redacted is still on my mind, so let’s talk about him. I’m really wondering why you’ve let this go so far without telling me he’s not the one. Tell me now though. Ah, you only tell me when it’s right to see him and when it’s not. You won’t tell me if I’ll marry him.
God, I’m falling in love with him. Yes, I hate things he does. He has these little quirks that are cute and also very annoying. I hate feeling like I have to entertain him when he’s sad. I don’t understand him. He has these different moods which I never understand.
Anyway, our friendship seems to be suffering because of my obvious attraction to him. That sucks. God, why did this happen? What are you teaching me. You open my eyes to see how wonderful redacted is, you allow me to love him deeply, yet tease me. Now our friendship isn’t the same. It’s not, because I want something more. And I’m discouraged because it seems to be coming from me. I think up reasons to call him. I make up any excuse I can to see him. And it doesn’t seem like he does the same with me. I can’t tell. I can’t read him.
I sometimes find myself jealous of the attention he gives others. I know I was jealous that he was more ready to talk to redacted rather than me. I know that’s wrong, because it is right he talks to redacted. There are things in life that required talking to other people. There are things that I need to talk to redacted or redacted about that I can’t tell him. I know it’s wrong, but I wanted his attention. I’m sorry for the times I tried for his attention against your will. I know that you have your plan and know what is best for me and it is best for me to listen to you. But I have to get my ideas in my feelings and tried to take matters into my own hands.
Anyway God, I really feel that I shouldn’t call redacted anymore. It’s not right. It makes me just illusion. I feel like his girlfriend and I’m not. I’m sick of pretending. It hasn’t happened and it won’t happen on my time or with my pretending.
God, I want him to be my true love because I want to know who that person is. Maybe that’s the reason I like him. I might want to be in love more than I want him. God, I really need help with this. I need to escape the illusion. I’m not going to call him anymore except on my birthday. ( If he doesn’t call before then) to make plans.. Only if there is an… (end journal)
(New Journal, continued)… emergency situation where you say I need to call him will I. But I will only call him if you were the one who wants me to call. I don’t expect that to happen much.
So I understand that not calling him may mean seeing him less often, but that will be good for me. If he doesn’t have feelings for me deeper than our friendship, and if he doesn’t come up with excuses for calling me and seeing me, and it’s good for me not to see him. When I see him so much I fool myself. Of course it will be hard, but I can’t continue on against your will God. I can’t even explain things accurately in words but I know in my heart that I can’t call him anymore. It’s screwing things up.
God, I’m sick of being the one flirting. I’m not the initiator. I’m dropping this thing with redacted and waiting for you to bring my guy to me. If I haven’t messed things up too horribly with redacted, if he is still right for me, God bring him to me on your time. God, redacted and I are growing apart with all this time spent together. That sucks. We need time apart. I’m glad that he’s going to a convention soon. It’s not that I won’t miss him like crazy, but we need room to be ourselves. I don’t need to know everything he does every day. That’s not right for our friendship relationship. I only want that in marriage.
God, please bring our friendship back. I can see myself losing him if things continue on this path. I don’t know if we’ll be friends forever, but I always thought we would. I really want to be. He’s one of the few friends that I never want to lose. But God, whatever you have planned is best.
My view God is so limited and so small. How can I possibly see what’s best for me? I can only sit and trust you.
God, I see redacted in my heart heaves. That doesn’t matter though. I trust you more than I trust myself. The truth is God, if redacted asked me out now I would never accept. It’s not your time and it’s not your will. I would never be at ease without your permission, and God, I never want to hurt him. Break my heart, don’t let me touch him wrongly. Break my heart now so I don’t even have the opportunity at his.
God, I had a dream about redacted that has been haunting me. In the dream redacted told me that he was attracted to me, but I was too mean. It’s been haunting me because if I wasn’t mean and he would have married me. It seems real, or true to real life.
God, I love so many things about redacted. I respect him. I love how he’s pursuing your will in life and that you’re using him through music, which he’s so passionate about. God, if you told him music is not right for him though, he would give it up. I love that. You’re in charge of his life. He follows you better than most people I know. I know that I argue with you all the time. He understands that you will is best, and when you reveal yourself to him he follows.
I’m not afraid of us. God your will be done in our lives. I’m not afraid that redacted will miss the opportunity to have me if it be your will. You will bring us together, without my help. And that light, help me to stop trying so hard for him. It will take your strength to hold me back, but your plan is best, and ultimately will happen. That said, this is not at all easy because I really do want to be with him.
God, I’m giving you the relationship. I’m stepping back and asking you to take control. Lead me where you will. I’ll wait for you to bring me my guy. I’ll try to convince you that redacted is great for me though. Haha, that’s funny. You know if he is or not. Okay God, I will not call him anymore unless you tell me “ Kristen, redacted is struggling, you need to call him and tell him this…” if you tell me that I will call. If not, it’s up to you when I see him again. Oh, and I’m not sure if I should see him tomorrow. I want to go hang out with that group of people, because I love redacted and then. I want to see them, but God, redacted will be there. I’m not sure I should see him. I might mess up. So reveal to me whether or not I should go tomorrow. I won’t go if you don’t bless the night.
I’m also not sure I want to see at him because he might reveal to me that for sure that he’s not right. Of course I don’t want that, but I will listen to you, and I need to hear it sometime. I’m also worried that I will get confused again with redacted and stray from your will. Seeing him tomorrow could be a disaster. Reveal to me what to do, and if I do see him, help me to interact with him. I don’t know how to act now. You’ll have to tell me that too.
Wow, I look back on it and I forgotten the reasons why I like him. Things have grown into “I like him so I’ll act this way” without thinking about it. There are a lot of things that I like about him. He’s good for me in a lot of ways I can tell. God, this is silly though. I give everything to you. I am completely yours, first and always. Whatever you desire will be done. I trust you completely. Thank you God. You are wonderful.
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