Age: 17 years 11 months 13 days
1:12 in the morning
Hi God, man I need to talk. Wow, I miss you. I need your help. I need a lot of your help.
I saw redacted all day today and he bothered me. He bothered me more than ever. I didn’t want to be around him. He made me angry. I got in the worst mood ever. I was fed up with him. I couldn’t stand him. It was awful.
The whole night we bickered. He was mean and a jerk and I was worse back. I could not take things any longer.
I realize how much I have been doing to turn this into marriage and how little he has been doing. I think that I am a friend to him. I don’t know. I don’t want to guess.
I’m not at peace about things. It’s not right.
I was wonderful for the 3 ish months its been. I was wonderful thinking I was going to get married. I thought I had a handle on my future.
Take the desire for redacted from me. I love him, don’t take that from me, but take my attraction. No, whenever you want, I don’t know what I want.
It was really nice dreaming about being with him the rest of my life. I’m hoping that still a possibility. I’ll have to wait though. I’ll have to wait for redacted to pursue me. I have to wait until redacted wants it, and wants me enough to do something about it. That may never happen. It’s doubtful that it will.
I’m saving myself for my husband God and I’m trying not to mess it up. Liking redacted has brought me closer to you if nothing else.
Thank you for his friendship. Leave it to me two will it into something more. I wouldn’t have done things much differently though. I’ve learned a lot.
I don’t know what I want. Bring us together if it’s your will. Make it easier for me to see him if it’s not meant for marriage. He’s still my best friend and I don’t want to lose him.
I trust that what you want for me is best. I’ll wait now for you to do your thing in my life, and I hope that means bringing redacted to me, but my hopes could be wrong. I can’t see the full picture and I take hope and strength from knowing that you are helping me. It’s still really hard.
I don’t get him know. I don’t understand when he’s kidding. I don’t know when to take him seriously. That’s a bit of the problem.
I’ll see him again tomorrow. I won’t be the initiator. You take this and work it out. I’m not sure why you put me through this, but it’s good go beyond my comprehension.
If redacted’s not for me, so be it. That’s the end. It stops here. Reveal to me the future days what I should do, and tell me more about if it’s right or not.
All this is for you God. I’m okay with your plan. Thank you for giving me peace. I miss talking to you. I love you though. I love you. I’m glad to be doing your will.
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