Age: 17 years 11 months 9 days
Hey God. I keep thinking about redacted. I’m nervous with the thought that he may not be the one. Things have been going so well, and I don’t want them to end. I’m afraid that we won’t ever talk about the things we need to.
Sleep ZZZ…
Okay, now I really am ready to talk to you. I feel like I have been avoiding talking to you lately or I haven’t spent as much time with you and I don’t want to feel like that. God, I don’t want to lose you and I don’t want to have our relationship go down the drain because we don’t talk. We do talk, I don’t want to lose you. I’m worrying for nothing. God, I love you above all else and I really want to talk to you about redacted. Are you sick of hearing about him yet?
God, I don’t want things to start going in the wrong direction i.e. my direction. And my direction is I want to marry him. This may not be your direction. In fact, it seems far-fetched to me that I will find someone to love and be with for the rest of my life. I could do that with redacted, but maybe I am not supposed to like him in this way. Maybe we are just supposed to be best friends and you will bless our friendship. Being best friends is not a “just” thing. It’s amazing being best friends.
I love talking to him and hearing about his life, and I want my motives for talking to him to be pure. I want to talk to him out of friendship, not helping to build our relationship so that we can get married. I don’t want to feel like I ought to talk to him.
God, we’re both trying to do your will for us in our lives. You want me to make a movie. You want him to play music. That makes it hard for us to be together, but not really. I know it could work out, I would never choose a career over love.
Maybe I’ve been trying to take this in my own hands and push the relationship in a marriage direction. It might not go in that direction. I can’t think of anyone else I would rather spend the rest of my life with. I love him and truly care about him. God, I love him enough to tell him my deepest, darkest secrets, the one thing I swore I wouldn’t ever need to tell anyone, and God you brought it out because I couldn’t keep my past from him. I guess that was because I couldn’t see a real relationship going any further without telling him. I’m not sure that if I loved him as a friend, and nothing more, I would be open to telling him these things.
Shall I continue?… I want to…
So yes, I do want to marry him. I really like the idea of it. Honestly, being around him is wonderful. Our relationship is really good, except for mocking. That’s my fault. God, I would love to see this work out, but I’m not worried either way it goes. What happens will be your will and it will be better than anything I can ever hope for. I don’t need to worry about it more. God, take the situation, thank you for giving me redacted, help him face the people who robbed him at court and bless our friendship. I don’t want to do anything with this that is not your will. I love you God, you come first.
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Hey God, I know that this is sad, but I miss redacted. Yeah, that’s really sad. This is the second day I haven’t seen him, and that’s no time at all. I miss him anyway. I’m bored out of my mind. I have nothing to do. I should have something to do, but I don’t. I want to read that Waking the Dead book, but I don’t own it. I want something to do, but I can’t even go out because I can’t drive my car, and I don’t want to spend money.
God, why do I miss redacted so much? I need your help. I would love to see him tonight, but it won’t happen. I want to do something.
Is this wrong? Why do you let me love him so? I have missed him all day, and I’ve longed to be in his arms. I honestly do want to do your will. It’s not up to me to pursue or take initiative. I’m waiting for redacted, who is also on your time.
I love being with him. God, it seems right. You are with me when I’m with him. I acknowledge you more around him than around anyone else. And it’s really hard to imagine life without him. It really sucks to think about life without him.
It seems to me like love; but it’s not mature yet. It’s a bit mature, a lot mature in some areas.
I can’t believe how much I love him. You need to talk to me here. He’s one boy that you haven’t warned me about.
I know he’s not perfect. He annoys me. We fight a lot. We have our problems. But I love him and I wouldn’t change him.
Why does this make sense? I need patience. It will take a long time, no matter who the boy is, to prepare for marriage. You know we’re not ready for that yet. How can I even think about marriage to him? I don’t want this to be temporary. It will be weird if he’s not the one. It’s going to be hard. Being with him is so worth it though. I’ll be the wife you want me to be.
God, I really want to be in love. Love is the best gift in life. I’ll do your will through any situation. Tell me now with redacted. Am I behaving according to your will? I fear that I’m not, but I don’t know if the fear is of myself or from you. I don’t know. Show me with time and make things clear. I trust you and I love you first and most. Take the relationship. Take me. I’ll follow you.
As a side note, here’s the most beautiful poem on love I have ever heard.
Sonnet CXVI
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wand’ring bark,
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.
Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me prov’d,
I never writ, nor no man ever lov’d.
-William Shakespeare
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