Age: 17 years 10 months 28 days
Ok, Here I am. I’ve been reflecting on yesterday and avoiding this. Crap at all, I’m so unworthy of you.
I feel bad about how I related with redacted yesterday. I mocked him a lot, but I learned even more about him. It was really weird. At one point in the night I looked at him and thought, “yes, I really do want to marry him”. Then later on in the night I was like “ I really want to marry him?” Then I was just confused.
God, I didn’t interact well with him, But I loved being with him. And I am really surprised with how honest I was last night. I asked if redacted thought redacted was thinking about us. I told redacted straight-up he is my best friend.
God, I wanted to hug him all night yesterday, and I did end up hugging him a lot.
I don’t see how he can forgive me for all the pain I’ve caused in his life.
I’d be really happy if I marry him. I’m sick of thinking about it though. I can explain things, but it makes sense to me. God, have our relationship, take my words.
Crap, what I feel worst about are my words. They were hurtful. That was what I was trying not to do, but I did it anyway. I really can’t control them on my own. It’s scary.
And I miss you. So I’ve been looking forward to this day with you, and also dreading it because of how unworthy I feel to be in your presence.
I feel like the wrong person to give this talk. But I don’t because you’ve given me so much to talk about. I just feel awful because it seems like I’m not as good of a Christian as I was last week. I’m sick of feeling like this.
God, I’m concerned about redacted. She’s going through a lot with redacted. Oh, you know all this. I don’t know what to pray about, I relate a bit to her pain though. And her pain hurts me. God, help her.
I miss redacted. Help him. He’s super busy but he seems to be losing track of you. I want the redacted I know back. I don’t know what to pray about for him either. I just want him to care about people again and not be so involved with things.
Okay. How am I supposed to write this talk when I feel so bad about what I do to you? God, I know that you love me, and I need you for this talk. Please forgive me for failing. I want to live with you. It’s all I want. God, I don’t want to do anything without you again. I don’t want to hurt you. I’m the worst person in the world to do this talk. No, I don’t believe that. I know that you want me to do this. But I’m not going to if you don’t give me the words.
God, I want them to know your love. Through the talk, I want you to be made known. My individual talk is a piece in the puzzle, and I know that it relates well to what redacted and redacted are talking about and that’s wonderful because I know that you are guiding their talks. I trust you with my talk and I am not nervous at all. I just miss you. I know that you are here and that you love me. So let the words of my talk be saturated in love. I really do love them. I want them to know your love.
I’m so grateful that you chose me to do your work. I can’t believe how much you’re using me. I’m really excited for the opportunity and don’t want to mess it up by taking it into my own hands. So I can give it to you. Let me remember my passion in this talk and let your love be made known. I’m not concerned. You know how you’re going to use this talk.
Oh crap, and I need a table theme. I’m overloaded. Oh good, I just remembered that we have an extra week until TEC. Okay, I don’t need to be concerned with this then.
All right God, let’s write this thing. Oh first, do you want me to have this all scripted out or are you going to tell me when I get up there? Yes I’ll write it out.
The world loves wrongly.
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