June 9, 2004

Age: 17 years 10 months 11 days

Okay, now let’s talk about movies. Yesterday I was overcome with doubt that this is right for me. See redacted has music, and they work on it constantly. They always have something to do for the band. And when they got home from the trip they have plenty to do.

Now, I really want to make a movie for you. One that points an unbelieving world to you. I don’t know how I’m going to do that yet. My movie has to be great. I won’t settle for something less.

This is a lot of work. I don’t know how to make a great movie. I haven’t made any movies yet. I haven’t edited the TEC video. I need to start that soon. But I don’t love everything about this. I hate most movies in general, I absolutely hate them. I hate how they waste people’s time, how they brainwash people. I hate how they take away from personal relationships.

What good movies inspire in people actually can change their lives, or at least how they view something. That’s my goal.

Just thinking about film, I know I love it. I love so many aspects of it. I want to make a really good movie for you this summer. I’ll work on it. It will be my goal.

I get worried that I don’t have enough talent to do this. And I’m uninspired when you’re not in the picture. I had lost sight of you in the future of movies, that’s why I wasn’t interested anymore.

You need to be a part of this or else it’s not worth it. I don’t love it without you.

I’m kind of scared of failure. It’s a ton of work, and I’ll only do my best. It’s going to be so hard. Help me to use my time in ways that honor you and learn more about film. I feel unqualified to do this, but I’m still going to try for you.

It’s so right, it’s what I love. I can’t think of any better way I could bring you glory. And my full purpose is to bring you glory. I learned that just a bit ago from The Purpose Driven Life. This is right. I have a lot of work ahead of me. Today I’ll spend time on this goal.

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I am somewhat morally opposed to making a movie. It’s creating a fake situation, a fake world, fake everything and trying to convince people that it is real. Movies cheapen reality. People think the way things are in movies are the way things actually are, so they impersonate the movies and then things actually do become that way. Reality is lost, or may be redefined. But they’re redefined by something that is fake.

Basically, everything is colored through perspectives. The director’s perspective is shone through the film, making that one perspective the reality of the film. In real life, situations can be interpreted millions of ways, yet we only see it through our perspective. Well, movies can be interpreted also.

What if you just film reality? All you have is a picture representing reality. It’s less real. The film has captured the moment that can be played in time but now transcends time. The moment can happen over and over now.

Movies don’t teach us much that is worthwhile. They screw up reality. They cheapen it.

Yet God, it can be used to point people in your direction. It has to get people to think about what’s actually real and to see the movie is fake, or a lower reality will taking insights from it.

Language restricts reality also. But books help people better understand reality.

Ah!  Movies are making the world fake. They are taking away meaning in personal relationships. They are dumbing-down society and making lasting impacts. And I want to enter into this fully fake world, and create something that helps people find reality. Can you find truth through something so fake?

Movies are deeply disturbing in how safe they are. Can they really be used for good? They’re powerful. They called fake emotions and reactions in people. They can change a person. I just want to show people you in the best way that I can. Film can be used to show people Ultimate Reality, just as words help us understand a little bit of you. We’ll never get it, but film can touch your Ultimate Reality.

Dang it, I’m so concerned with ultimate reality yet want to create something absolutely fake in every sense of the word. I’m all right with it because it’s used as a tool to show you in help people live in life with ultimate reality. Film has power over our culture, we can use the fake to show them looks real.

Should I even watch movies anymore? They surely color my life. Yet I just rented two, which should be decent. They won’t honor you, but I’ll learn more about film techniques watching them. I tried to remove myself from this false world of movies by watching them? I do learn things, but do those things matter? I think movies help me grasp more of your reality. I’m not sure how because they’re so fake. But I appreciate that fake beauty. Crap. Movie suck.

Crap. I spend most of my time in this false reality. I only know you are true. We can show people you through an intellectual movie. We could even make people conscious of how fake movies are through our movie? Show how movie’s affect reality? I’m skeptical about doing something so removed from reality except that it will help people find you and think. I’m okay with it then. Okay…  this idea is interesting…  show people how fake movies are in the movie? Maybe… maybe. 


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