Age: 17 years 10 months 10 days
Argh, I’m at home. Yes, we’re still supposed to be at the cottage, but we’re not. And I’m mildly depressed. I need to talk to you God.
Things with redacted just didn’t work on this trip. We didn’t connect and I’m bummed about it. He actually annoyed me at times. And I acted really annoying and childish with him. We were both annoying. If that’s how I relationship would be I don’t want it, and that thought makes me sad. He’s the most amazing guy in the world. I am impressed over and over by him. It’s easy to see why I would want to marry him. But that relationship, that was not right. The bickering did not honor you. And God, crap, there were those times when I thought I was so happy to be with redacted, even though we were being stupid. I was going to say that I want a relationship with him, but changed my mind. I have a relationship with him. We’ve been growing closer in the way I imagined my relationship with my husband developing. We never need the label of girlfriend / boyfriend, we just build our relationship and openly talk. The relationship I have with redacted is great. He’s an amazing guy for so many reasons. And after this trip I still want to spend the rest of my life with him, but now I’m not sure that it’s in your plan. That makes me want to cry. But I think about it, and dang it all, you know what you are doing. And I have no clue. So even though you and I recognized redacted is a most amazing guy, I guess it is possible for you to have a different guy planned for me who can make me even happier in further my relationship with you. I wish redacted is the one, but I will follow your will.
Last night I gave our relationship to you. It was worrying me. I don’t know why I am now worried again. I’m just sad because I really do want my husband to be him, even though he annoys me at times.
God, let me just tell you about him. Let me have my say, let me state my case, before you refute it. Okay, I don’t remember exactly what I had to say now.
I want redacted to be the one. You know that. It will be a lot of work to keep up the relationship, but I’m not afraid of giving my all. Even though we bickered and I actually got frustrated with the way redacted was acting I still loved him on top of that. And do I dishonored you like getting close physically to redacted sometimes, I was really happy to be next to him.
This doesn’t give me hope that he could be the one. What gives me hope is the few special times on the trip. Number one, when we first got there redacted got a hook stuck in his jeans. He didn’t want other people to know because they would mock him. So 1, even though I walked into knowing his secret, he let me know it. 2, I was able to help him get it out and still keep it a secret. That meant a lot to me.
And the really big thing was the end of the trip. Redacted, redacted and redacted had already left and we were all set to leave, but I didn’t want to leave just yet. I was extremely upset at a lot of things, mainly the trip in general so I went and sat down on the bluff angry, waiting until they got me to leave. Redacted came out and sat behind me for a bit. He asked what was wrong, but I couldn’t talk. I was fighting tears the whole time I was sitting there because I was just so mad and didn’t want to break down in front of him. I realized it would have been okay, but it was not the time for the conversation that would bring. So I asked you to not let item see me cry, or something like that. He went and sat on the deck above the stairs soon after. I lost it and started crying, but this crying was the talk you and I needed to have, not me and redacted. I’d be overjoyed to cry with redacted there if it were right, but this was more of an I need you God thing. You calmed me down after talking just a bit, but I still wasn’t ready to leave. I had to apologize for being rude and snippy to redacted before we left, so I went and sat by him. We sat, and I enjoyed his company. We talked about a few things, and we had fun. I remember what we talked about. We talked about bugs, then mosquitoes, then how mosquitoes are attracted to redacted and redacted, then how they should invent a formula to insert into your blood so mosquitoes don’t bite, but then how the mosquitoes would adapt to the mutants that were immune. Then we talked about Evolution. We talked about music, Switchfoot, their songs. He asked me my opinion about their new one. We talked about redacted. I told him how she was actually happy and he had noticed her behaving differently. It was great how he cared about her. We talked about Ada Bible, and the sermon, about redacted and about marriage. About the sermon at Mars Hill and how it helped me take time on the trip to recognize you as the Creator. We talked about convention and how he’d finally get a nice new bracelet which he’d have to keep on the taken side so he wouldn’t have girls flop over him. We talked about how it’s sad that if someone doesn’t like the other person that other person ends up liking him even more. We talked about being married to you. And about the stars and how I was going to row out to the doc to look at them tonight. I told him I was sorry for being rude and snippy and he told me there was nothing to apologize for, that’s how we always interact. I disagreed. We decided it was time to go after I almost correctly predicted the time. I didn’t feel well, so it was good to bring him home. At this point I was ready to leave.
Our conversation wasn’t in-depth on any of those points, but it meant so much to me. That was the thing that made the trip end well for me. It was such a horrible ending but that was the perfect way to make the best of a horrible ending. I can’t believe how much of that conversation I remember. I even remember what I was thinking and what I was doing during some of it. Oh, and at one point redacted got up and marveled at the flagpole. He was impressed with it. That talk was what I needed from him.
The talk I had with you before was mostly me angry with you and the meaninglessness of the trip. Redacted reassured me that it was a good trip and that he had a good time. You used him to touch me in that way. Sorry for being mad at you. Thank you for our talk, and thank you for using redacted to help me. Wow, that rarely happens. When I want my friends to be there for me, they turn me down. That’s usually because I’m depending on them and not you. I wasn’t expecting that sort of peace from the conversation with redacted, but you gave it to me. Thank you. I needed that. I needed that conversation a lot.
That’s the hope I have for redacted and I still being right for each other. It really didn’t seem like it at some point, but those things help a bit.
Now, I’m not sure whether he’s the one, but I’m more at peace about it. It’s more in your hands now that we’ve talked. I give you my fears and my hopes and give myself to you. Take the relationship, the thoughts, the burdens, the doubts, the worries, the fears and do your will in my life. Reveal your plan for me, and let me live day by day, without fear of the future. Redacted and I are in your hands.
I have a few more things to talk about; TEC and making movies. But I need something to eat. I’ll return and we can talk some more.
You, now I feel really sick. About TEC, redacted asked me before she left… well she said something like this: I know that you believe God wants you to be a table leader, but what if they don’t put you on the team, like what if they don’t listen to you? And the question consumed me with doubt. It was so much like she didn’t get it. Also, it was so much like I wasn’t going to get it in your going to slap me in the face. She asked what if council doesn’t listen to your will. It wasn’t raised like that. So now I feel stupid for trusting so much that you’ll put me as a table leader. It’s such a small issue. I don’t care if you can better use me on another team. I know that you’ll put me where I should go. It’s just that, I swear you told me that I’d be a table leader. And I wanted to believe you so firmly, because I trust you and it really was you who said it. But I’ve turned it all wrong. Now the thing is to prove that I listen to you and know your will for me at this next TEC, which I really don’t know your will. I just wanted to trust you, not have something to prove. I messed up the trust thing and feel that slap in the face coming. Did I really change things by talking about it? I’m not sure that you want me as table leader anymore.
TEC seems wrong. Maybe you don’t want me to work it. I’m sick of trying to predict your will. I just wanted to have faith in what you told me, now I turned it into a big mess. I deserve to slap in the face because of how horribly I have been treating the issue. I really want, oh I don’t know. Crap, this will shatter my credibility. People will think I’m crazy and don’t really hear from you. But I do! I know you told me table leader now if you take that from me and reject me, hey that seems right. It doesn’t seem I should work the next TEC. I can’t play God. Shatter my credibility. I know what you told me and I know how I messed this up. Your will be done. This should not be an issue I worry over. I messed up so badly. Dang it. Stupid mouth. Forgive me for making this about me and not you.
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