Age: 17 years 10 months 2 days
Looking back at the few entries I have in here makes me kind of sad. There were so many things that I didn’t write about. I haven’t had time. But now it’s like 6:47 and I finally have the rest of the night to myself. This is the first break in so long, I’m taking it in. And boy do I need it. During all my activities I like to say I have been running around with my head cut off. That was so much the case yesterday. All right, yesterday I woke up for the early service at Mars. The sermon was an insightful look at communities and serving. It was about how giving is right in line with the Ultimate Reality and is an undeniable Testament of God. It’s great to see people giving so generously not solely because it’s good or right but because it’s how God created us. And especially in our world, America, where we are driven by materialism, sold by commercialism, it is so easy to fall out of line. But it’s so fulfilling to be how God created us to be. There’s nothing better than building a sidewalk for redacted and redacted, or mowing the lawn for redacted, or giving tithe. Giving is so amazing. It’s undeniably right. There’s something so special about it. It’s fully in line with God’s will, the Ultimate Reality. It’s interesting that I remember so much of that sermon today later. It really hit me.
I’m sick of running around with my head cut off, living a meaningless life, purposelessly entertaining friends, not loving, sinking further into apathy, not living according to the Ultimate Reality. I’ve been sick of living like this for some time now, but haven’t given up prior obligations to make time for you. So to get to the point, that’s what I’m reflecting on in this entry. I have a lot to talk about, but finally I have time. The rest of the night can be used to come back to you and to grow. I’m excited that I’m finally using my time the way I should. I can’t live without you any longer. The only way I’ve made it through my busy life are through the glimpses and reminders of you.
Anyway, we have a lot to talk about. To start off, let me tell you what I did yesterday. I already mentioned that I went to Mars Hill. After that I took a nap and grudgingly helped redacted a little bit. Then I went to redacted’s open house. I stayed there forever waiting for redacted and redacted. When they got there we made plans to meet up in about an hour because they had another open house to go to. So I stayed at redacted’s for another hour, chatting with some people and staying entertained even though I hate open houses. Oh, shoot, I fell asleep for a while. Well, life goes on.
Where was I? Oh-oh, after talking about stupid things that redacted is open house I went to redacted’s open house. We hung out for an hour waiting for redacted. I convinced them to go to Craig’s Cruisers instead of a movie so we went there. It was actually pretty fun, but meaningless.
I got home at 8:30 and waited for people to show up for movie night. I was stressed because too many people might have showed up and I didn’t really want to have anything like this without God. But I had it anyway. My goal was to talk about you and grow closer to one another, but that didn’t happen. It ended up being one of the worst nights of my life. I was restless, watching movies and couldn’t pay attention. I wanted you so badly, yet none of my friends could tell that there was anything wrong. By the second movie, Mission Impossible, I was sick of wasting my time. I went upstairs and laid down the couch, trying to talk to you but not getting anywhere.
At that point I had gotten myself worked up by talking with redacted. Well, it wasn’t really a conversation. It felt like redacted hates me, and he might actually, but I fabricated the whole elaborate story in my head. I would like redacted to like me, because I like him a lot, but it doesn’t matter I guess. He does challenge me to be closer to you, so even if he doesn’t like me, it’s still beneficial to be around him. Maybe you would give us an opportunity to talk sometime. It’s killed me that I thought he might think I was an idiot. But most everything I thought about redacted with speculation, and I knew it. The making-up horrible stories in my head made me really depressed.
It didn’t help that he was talking to redacted in code. I tried to ignore it but I heard some things which allowed me to make up more situations in my head. It really bothered me to not have an input in their conversation. I am happy that they can talk so openly with each other. It’s good to have friends like that, and if they can communicate at a party I throw then something was worthwhile. From my perspective it was horrible though.
So I ended up thinking that redacted hates me and that he told redacted to never date me. I felt that my best friends were sick of me and that they were barely friends. I felt like I didn’t know them at all. I began to hate redacted because of these things I thought they might have been talking about, which is stupid. Redacted makes me feel bad about myself sometimes, like when I eat food. It’s like I’m morally wrong and that he’s right about everything. He doesn’t budge on his opinions, though I see them as more up in the air and he finds them certain. But all in all, I really like him and want to be his friend. That would be great if it happens. I’m not changing who I am though for him. I’ll all only change for you. Thank you for loving me for who I am. That gave me comfort last night, and gave me peace that I was in the right if redacted hates me, because you got it, do love me. Anyway, I don’t know what redacted thinks about me, but it is foolish and unproductive to assume the worst. Let me deal with situations as they actually happened, and stop Satan from tormenting me with awful thoughts.
Thank you for my friends who do love me and I’m sorry for wanting friends to fill the emptiness in my life instead of you. I admit, I was angry at them for not noticing I was having the hardest night of my life. I can’t ask them to read my mind though. It would have been nice to talk to someone about you, but if I needed to talk I needed to start the conversation and my pride wouldn’t let me do that. I really wanted redacted to wake up and talk to me, but you kept me from getting mad at him by reminding me that he can’t read my mind, and he was tired and didn’t need his leave. He stayed up late already. I hoped he would but I knew it wasn’t likely. Thank you so much for helping me be reasonable about that. I could have got angry at redacted and he wouldn’t have had a clue why. It would have been so unproductive. Thankfully you saved me from torturing myself in that way.
I went to bed crying, and woke up in a not so good mood. I wasn’t full with you, and I still need you fully. I’m sick of doing things without you, I’m sick of doing things that don’t honor you. I’m sick of word games and Godless chatter. It’s horrible, the worst thing I could be doing with my time. I want you fully alive in me. I want to be alive and to live in line with Ultimate Reality. What an awesome goal! What an awesome thing it is to be able to live in line with your will!
Wow, I just got the idea that I should call redacted. She helped me know you better, and is always willing to do your will. She is willing to help pick me up off the floor. Do I need to talk to her God? I would like to tell her how I have been doing. Maybe through email? I really don’t want to do anything social tonight. I want to stay with you and do your will, it sounds horrible to call redacted and tell her that I’m down and broken. Maybe soon we can have coffee though? What do you think? Agh, No way do you want me to call her now. That’s awful. It’s the last thing I want to do. Shoot, I don’t know if I do it even if you told me to. No, I don’t know, I don’t even want to listen though. It’s time to go to sleep again and avoid you. Ha, no! I won’t do that… unless… unless you make me call redacted. Nope, I do not want to do it. People can call me.
Oops. I went to sleep to avoid you. I did that. How stupid am I? What a waste of my great free time! God, I’m so glad to have that time, sorry for wasting some of it.
I just have to mention redacted for a little bit. He came over yesterday and I love him even more than I did. I want to marry him. God take my ideas and let them honor you. Take the thought from me if it’s not your will. I really want to marry him. I would do anything for him.
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