Age: 17 years 9 months 25 days
I’m not sure what day to put down because it’s early in the morning and I have slept a sufficient number of hours to be awake for the rest of the day. So technically it’s the 25th, but 2:00am in the morning and I usually write it still as “the 24th”.
Anyway God. I’ve been so depressed all day ( that is before I slept). I’m still sad, but I have some glimmer of hope. Thank you so much for waking me up and I pray that you wake me up spiritually as well as physically. I’ve been comatose all day in my spiritual life and I’m about ready to die from lack of work and lack of things to do. All I can do is force myself to sleep because I have been lazy and not open to doing anything for you. I can’t live like this. I need things to do. God, later today I have lots of things to occupy my time. Thank you. At least I won’t be wasting another day. But I will consider all of it a waste if you don’t come with me. I’m not leaving this bed or going back to sleep until you come back to me and give me things to do. I can’t live and not do things for you. I am willing God. I need a schedule of things to do. No, I can’t plan out when you’ll use me each day.
Let me think if I am really willing. Will I do the dishes without complaining? In a heartbeat. I’ll do that now. Really? No, I’d wake redacted. Unless you want me to. No? Yes? No. Good, thanks. If you wake me up again before school and give me a few extra minutes so I would be happy to do the dishes, provided I remember you with me. So you really need to be the one to wake me up. I’ll try really hard to put the dishes away when I wake up in the morning but it might not happen. Oh, I will do it if it’s your will.
I want to do everything without complaining. I want to be productive and creative. I want to use the skills you’ve given me, instead of sleeping on them (literally). Help me use my free time to write a movie. Shoot, I wish I had that other journal similar to this one so I could use it tomorrow. I guess I could use that ugly one.
Yesterday was so horrible. But that was yesterday. I’m amazed at the hope and passion you’ve given me. I know that you’ll come with me. Give me opportunities to be used by you. Thank you for this new day! It was so awful without you. Honestly, I never want to do it again. It’s so degrading being rude to redacted. Not today. I won’t see them until late though. Maybe that’s a good thing. I’ll start off only seeing them for a few hours, and being nice during that time and then progressing to more and more time being kind.
I’m so impressed with how the people from Mars Hill are helping out redacted. I’m jealous of their involvement with you. I want to help others in the way they are helping redacted. Maybe I can do something like that this summer. If you give me an idea and a direction I’ll take you up on the offer.
Yes, I have a job interview today for art works. I’m at peace about it, but I do really want the job. I want this for you though. And if it’s not your will that I learn about film yet, so be it. I think you do want me to though, and I almost feel like I have the job because it feels so much like your will. If not, I’m mistaken. It’s not the first time that’s happened, so I’ll be alright. Plus working with redacted is great. If you rather I make the money then the film, great! But God, oh I know that you want me to make a movie this summer. And with your help it will be great. I want to so bad. I’ve been thinking minimally about it and redacted can help me film. Oh, if you direct me, oh it will be so great! I want to do it for you God! Tell me what to do, what to say, what should it be about? I want it to help everyone. Oh God, we can do this!
I’m so excited! You’ve given me hope. What a wonderful new day! Thank you for touching me. It means so much that you woke me up. Ah, just think if you didn’t wake me up. I’m sure then today would be even more of a waste than yesterday. But you’ll be with me today, and we’ll use today. I give myself to you. Take my words especially since I’ve been having a lot of trouble with them. Yeah, guide me. Oh, I want to keep talking forever. Too bad the paper is almost out. God I love you. Oh how I love you. All praises to you!
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