Age: 17 years 9 months 25 days
It’s a Sunday. It’s 10:08 or somewhere around there. My clock is off. I’ve been lazy and unproductive today. The best thing I did was go to church. I’ve been avoiding you God because I’ve been treating redacted horribly, and haven’t wanted to admit it or change. I wasted a lot of the day. It’s very unfulfilling to live like this, to be rude and unproductive. I’ve messed up again, and my heart is harder. I don’t want to change because it’s work, and right now I’m lazy. I want to run from my rudeness, get out of here, and avoid confronting it. I want to leave redacted. But of course I don’t. I want to live for you. You are life. So I’ll stop avoiding you. I love you. Will you change me?
God, I’m struggling with words. I say hateful things all of the time. I don’t say uplifting things. I mock people and things. The words are a sign of my hard heart and they harden my heart. It’s a horrible cycle. But I let so much out of my mouth that does not honor you. I don’t want to do that. I’m sick of mocking people, saying stupid things that have no meaning, I’m sick of engaging in Godless conversation. God, I need your help to censor what I say. I love redacted’s philosophy about talking. I know that they’re right to be quiet and listen more often than speak. They talk, but mostly about things that matter. I need your help and changing my words and changing my heart. I honestly don’t want to be so rude. I’m especially sick of hurtful words I say to redacted. I would say I’m also sick of the words I say to redacted, but my heart is hardened towards them. I want to stop being horrible to them too.
But I love redacted with all of my heart. I would do anything for them, but my words don’t show it. It’s ridiculous. They’re my best friend and favorite person in the world, and I can’t even be nice? What’s wrong with me. God, tear down my walls, my insecurities, and let my love do the speaking. Stop me from talking or saying things that I shouldn’t. I don’t know what more to write. I would like to change the subject and talk about marrying redacted. It’s all that’s on my mind lately. But I’ll save that for another time… Unless you want to talk about it. No, no more.
Colossians 3:17
“And whatever you do, whether in word or in deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving things to God the Father through him”
Can’t get enough? Subscribe to my free diary newsletter!
http://www.diaryofamindweird.com
And/or support me on Patreon to find out my current thoughts on my past self:
Mindweird 
Leave a Reply