Age: 17 years 9 months 18 days
Wow, I left off at a really random spot yesterday. I think I fell asleep, or redacted came over, or we left for the movie.
Anyway, God I need to talk to you. Today at church was absolutely the best time ever. You filled me with this joy that I can’t even describe. I have been so miserable lately. I’ve been sleeping too much and avoiding anything productive. I’ve been running around with friends but hardly know them any better. I’ve been soaking up movies only to be depressed further. My life has lost the wholeness, a completeness, and I am left searching for meaning. Meaning I know I only finding you.
I’ve been struggling through the meaninglessness, loveless words, meaningless conversations, meaningless movies, and a state of apathy.
This song, well actually just this phrase of the song keeps running through my head. “ Don’t wanna to live dyin’ on the inside”. I guess that fits. I realize right now I have been singing that all day. I should pay more attention to what I’m saying, because it’s the cry I want to make. God, I can’t live without you. I’m dying on the inside and everything on the outside means nothing. I can’t remember how deeply I love the people I come in contact with. I can’t seem to say much of anything, but my lips keep moving at a growing pace. I want to shut this horrible sound up and return to sing praises to you.
I have a week left with my senior class at school, and after so many years, I know one of them. But I care about some others and they’re living without you. One week, and I won’t have another influence over their lives. But until then I do not wish to engage in mindless chatter, rather I desire to know them better and build them up. I want to care more than I do. I love you with all of my heart, please let that be true. Right now Satan has a piece of my heart, and he’s made the whole thing bad. I’ve made the whole thing bad. I want you to complete me, to fill in this hole, the emptiness and the lack caused by my sins. The hole is getting larger.
God, I need you to fill me now. I can’t live in this state. It’s eating me. I’m wasting away. I’ve become one who widens the hole in others as well as in myself. I’ve become a distraction from you. My words are eating away at me and tearing down others. I am rotting my soul. The words that I allowed out are hammers to the thorn in people’s flesh. I can’t partake in this any longer. I’m so empty. That’s nowhere near the worst of it. I would be as empty as any if it meant that others would be full. But as you so graciously made it, my emptiness serves to destroy me as well as others. Thus, my joy and you is not only good for me, but for others as well.
I found joy and you this morning. I couldn’t explain it, but I laughed in a way I hadn’t in a while. It was my spring break laugh expressing complete joy in your freedom. I won’t push you away any longer. I won’t ignore you. I can’t make those promises actually. I can only tell you if I want you fully in my life and hope, greedily I might add, that you would return to meet. I know of your endless love, and I am so hopeful, yet so undeserving. How could you love a sinner like me? Your love overwhelms me. I want nothing more than to be swept down your path in your love. Knocked me off my feet. I am willing to follow you. I am willing to go places where I am uncomfortable. I’m willing, because I love you and I want nothing more than to be a part of your adventure. I know that my writing sounds silly and poetic, but I have no words to express the anguish I feel because of my empty life. I’ve tried to write it, yet fail. I love you though. All praises I lift to you.
Let me be a blessing instead of a curse. I’m sickened at my failure. I’m sick and with how many times this happens. I’m so happy in your love. And I will do the dishes tonight for redacted.
Thank you for this time. You’ve given me opportunities to talk to you but I failed to take them up. I needed to talk to you. Any more social activity and I would have cracked. This time now, talking to you, it’s the most wonderful thing I have been a part of in a while.
I’m looking at your creation, listening to the birds, breathing your fresh air, sitting in the sun, and enjoying the light breeze and my heart leaps at this testament of you. It’s indescribable. I don’t want to leave, and it’s not time yet.
Again, take the garbage from my mouth, and restore empathy to my heart. Now I’ll stop talking and listen.
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