Age: 17 years 9 months 0 days
Hey God, please give me peace. Oh, I haven’t sat down and talked to you in so long. I’ve talked to you, but I haven’t made time for you. That’s it. It’s not that I haven’t talked to you in a week, I’ve avoid giving you my time. And it sucks. Life sucks when I don’t give you my time. When I don’t give you my time I become lukewarm. I lose track of the finish line and start walking in the rain. I lose passion and become less productive. And all I want is to be able to talk to you again. Well, I want more. I want to do more for you. But first, I want to talk to you. That’s why I’m giving you this time. I’m yours for the rest of the night, even if you don’t want me to hang out with redacted or make this video or if you make me go to that Bible study (which I am strongly saying no in my head, or hopefully that’s you) or even have me help out redacted for 5 hours straight. I don’t know how well I would do that job, but I’m yours. You have today. I just want to talk to you. Okay? Okay.
It’s great being here, having this time after school to come to you, and going to the spot behind the buildings where I have never been before. It’s great that there aren’t other people around either to think I’m crazy, but I’ll let them think that. It’s awesome to stop and appreciate nature and feel the wind. It’s like watching you. Yep, I can definitely feel the wind.
I hate my film. It seems horrible, like a mock of you or a stab at how ignorant Christians are. It’s plain, boring, no insight and I wish I could help someone, but it’s not good. I tried God to make it for you. This may be what you want. But I would never want this film about me. It seems so ignorant. But it’s true. Appearances can be deceptive. I don’t want people to laugh at you though, or to laugh at me I guess. If I watch this I might laugh at it. I would say there are better, more insightful ways to show God that are not so direct. But why beat around the bush? To tell them the facts is simple, but true and less confusing. But it’s not very impressive to simply repeat something you believe. I’m all right with it. I don’t think I could make it much better. Well, I could help me to make it better while we’re filming. I wanted to show you. So, please will you star in it? I guess I didn’t ask you yet. But all we really need is you. We’ve been struggling to find cast members and a crew, so do you feel like helping out? Of course you were invited from the beginning, but it was rude of me to forget to even ask you. Please let us capture you. Give redacted and redacted the right facial expressions and body movements too. They’re crucial. All right. Sounds like it will be good, even if I don’t like it. 🙂
Okay, now what? Yes, I do have more to talk to you about. Okay. I could marry redacted. I know I could. I want to and I don’t. I love them more than almost everyone, but they annoy me (sometimes). I love them even though they’re annoying. Every way I analyze things they seem right for me. Not yet of course. We’ll probably never date officially. But I’d marry them. I would. If it’s your will. Only if it’s your will. Only if I love them and they love me and do you want us to be together. I’m not worried about losing them. We’ll be friends for life, that’s not an overstatement. I can’t imagine life without them, but I can picture us being separate for months at a time and still remaining just as close. I don’t think it will ever be awkward talking to them. I’m completely honest with them, I never lie to them. I’m myself and a complete person without them, but they do help me grow closer to you. There are so many good things about them and me. We seem to fit. But I’m not sure I want it to be them. But I do. Talk me out of it God. Talk me out of what? Out of thinking I’ll marry them. It’s all right to think that way? You’re not going to tell me if I am going to marry them are you? You’re right, you couldn’t convince me either way. Do you approve of them? Think they’re good for me? I think so. You’re not screaming no at me, I’ll take some hope in that. I’m sure I’ll be screaming no back at you sometime. But we really could work. Maybe not. Oh well, they’ll be my friend forever. They don’t need to be my partner. I would like that though. We’ll see how prom goes. I’ve never actually had a great date at these dances. I never got to do what I wanted to do it the dances. Like redacted would have been great if you had taken me to McDonalds. If things are great with redacted that will be the first time. I’ve had fun at all the dances, yes, but the dates haven’t been great. We’ll see how it goes. I think it will be great with redacted. But if it’s horrible, like torture, and that’s a pretty good sign that they’re not for me. I’ll wait until then to analyze things further.
Oh man, on 4/13/2004, I said I wasn’t attracted to redacted at all. Ummm, not true anymore. I find them very attractive. They’re a good-looking kid. I know this is lame, but their eyes are great. They really are. Anyway…
So what do you want me to do. I’m yours. I don’t want to do homework. I am kind of bored. I would like to walk around and do something. Maybe buy some food. Maybe not. But what do you want me to do? Philosophy homework? Why? That’s boring. I guess I could look at Weil. I like Weil.
Can’t get enough? Subscribe to my free diary newsletter!
http://www.diaryofamindweird.com
And/or support me on Patreon to find out my current thoughts on my past self:
Mindweird 
Leave a Reply