Age: 17 years 8 months 22 days
Man, I wrote that date hours ago. I had a huge philosophical discussion about God with redacted. They were helping me get ideas for the short film redacted and I are making this weekend. It opened me up to new philosophical questions and then to more insights about you God. That has to be the best part of this day. Let them know you more. Thanks for using me that little bit. It was nothing much, just us thinking, but best time I’ve had in a while.
God, I’ve settled into lukewarm and it scares me. I’m sick of not hearing you. It’s been maybe three days of not following you well, being selfish and it’s been so unfulfilling. I’ve talked to you during these past days but I’m barely living it. Let me be more excited, responsive, empathetic, sensitive about you and bringing you to the world. At school tomorrow, I really want you to be there. I really want to be happy and confident in you. But really, the test is patience with redacted. I’m really horrible with this moving thing. Oh, we’re in the new house by the way, I don’t know if I wrote that yet.
Yeah, it’s the second night here. Where was I? Oh, help me to help out redacted. I know that they need me, and I mean to do things in my mind, but they turn out horribly. Help me to actually help out tomorrow, by putting things away and helping them lift things. Basically help me to put things away with the right attitude. Let me respect redacted. Seriously, I’m sick of being horrible to them. I honestly want to do what they ask with the right attitude, but even thinking about it is hard. I guess it’s hard because I lose face. But it’s a face I want to lose. I do want to be a Christian to them. It’s the hardest around them though, I’m not sure why. They bother me. I do love them, so help me to put that into action. They really can’t do much, and I can. Help me to be a blessing.
So actually, the reason I started writing was to talk about redacted. The other stuff took priority though. They were more prominent I guess. I like how I can set aside my feelings for redacted in order to draw closer to you… I had to start talking to you first, and ask for your help to change before I tell you about redacted. What’s up God? I can’t stop thinking about redacted. I’ve talked about them so much today. Yes, I love them God, but it seems like there’s something more. I got jealous when the thought entered my mind that they might start liking redacted. That’s so ridiculous. Why do I now care who they like? I love them, but I might actually like them too. It’s so weird, I mean, it’s redacted. This is probably nothing, but in a way, I want it to be more. I do want them to be the one, kind of. God, take this idea from me right now. Discourage me, please. Or tell me it’s right. It’s not right yet? Well, I know that. There’s no way we could get married tomorrow, let alone start dating. No way. Tell me it’s not right ever! Okay? Does that mean? I’m not listening well. I’m getting mixed up. I can’t tell what you’re saying and what I’m saying. I’m so glad for their friendship. I’m not going to worry or think about it further. God, build our relationship. I don’t know what will happen, but as of the present we are friends. Great friends. And I only want our relationship to get better. Take this God. But know that I love them. I guess I just had to tell you that.
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