Age: 17 years 7 months 16 days
Wow, I just forgot if it was 2003 or 2004. I had to check the last entry.
Well, I just got back from our Wheat Team party and I feel good and a bit down all at the same time. It’s a weird feeling. After hanging out with redacted today I am 100% sure that I do not want to marry them. I don’t like them as anything more than a friend. I’m not into what they’re into. God, you’re right (of course ). They’re not the one. I could list reasons why, but that’s useless because I know in my heart. They’re great and has qualities that I like. Mainly I like how full of life they are. They’re wonderful and amazing and I would be lucky if they were for me. But they’re not. There’s someone better out there for them and for me. I would be foolish to want anything more.
I’m glad to be sure that they’re not for me but that’s also the reason I am a bit down. I want a husband. Not for the title, I’m not even sure why I want that kind of companion. I know that I’ve been born with the desire. But God, I could be the kind of person who spends her whole life without a mate. I could be happy like that. I don’t know if it’s your will that I find someone. But I long for that companion. He’ll be there when I’m down, inspire me to live. He’ll be my best friend and we will spur each other on in godliness. God, what I am describing for my husband is the kind of relationship I have with you. I fully love you, you love me even more. You are my best friend and I can tell you anything. You satisfy me. And I can live my life having you as my only mate. It’s a pretty good use of the word soulmate if you ask me. I’m only saying that having a human to love is, I don’t want to say different, but extra. That sort of relationship may help me understand ours better. I only want a mate then if it helps me come closer to you and understand more. It’s like how having kids help parents understand even more how much you love us and how incomprehensible the gift of your son was.
God, I would like to know if a husband is even part of my future with you? Would that mean you sharing my love? I want to say no because I have friends I love but they don’t share in my love for you. I said that wrong but the love I have for you is independent of my love for them. I only love you more because of them. They do not make me love you.
Anyway, will I have a husband or not? You’re not going to tell me. I can have one and fully honor you, and I cannot have one and fully honor you. My choice huh? Neither one is better? I know the Bible says that it is better to not have a husband, but having a husband is good too. For me, if I do have a husband it will be blessed by you. You’re going to be the first one I talk to about even the thought of dating.
I don’t know if I really want to date. Yes, wait, I do, but not like date as what we think of. Date meaning that we have knowledge of each other as one’s significant other. There will be no one else.
Anyway, how is redacted doing? I think you put them on my mind again. I don’t know if they’re struggling with the spiritual warfare or very concerned about another who is struggling. My guess is both. I know that they are so strong in you. And Satan is fighting all the harder. Though you may be testing them, keep it reassuring them that you are there with them. Give them the pieces of hope for them to cling onto. I don’t know how else to pray for redacted but you’ve laid redacted on my heart.
They want to come to TEC! Yeah, it’s wonderful. And weird too, because I’m not working it, and I believe that is your will. I think it’s better for redacted to go through without me. I’ll be there and they will be there. Hopefully I’ll be there more than usual for the video. I want to call on that. I’ll call redacted in a bit. But I think that’s probably the reason you called me not to work this TEC. Maybe not, but I am at peace about them there without me. More at peace than I would be if I were there. I was looking for a reason other than wanting a break, because that’s not the reason. It’s only a nice plus for me. But I wanted to work the TEC if you wanted me to. And you don’t. I’ve asked you and you still don’t want me to work. Anyway, redacted. Let’s have this happen God. They’re beginning to listen to you. They’re speaking you. They’re going to find you at TEC. Their life is going to be perfect after TEC. But if you use TEC God, which you always do, they could be so certain of you. They’re going to find you at TEC. Don’t let them hold on to their doubt.
Now, Satan is going to attack. He probably already has (the gender is uncertain, I only use he because Satan is usually thought of as a guy). Keep your hand around redacted as they are weak and persuaded by Satan. Bring them to TEC, though they will probably get anxious about it. They may begin to doubt. They’ll probably try to back out of coming. But bring them there. Don’t give Satan redacted! Can I call redacted now about the video?
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