Age: 17 years 6 months 3 days

All I can say is, “I know, I know”. That shouldn’t be all I can say, but it is. I know that if I went into redacted’s room, I’d get that. And I know that redacted’s really upset and hurt. I rip their soul out and so does redacted. My God, they’re a person. I didn’t know how I was hurting them when I got in the car. From my perception, they were angry and they attacked me. They were angry that they had to pick me up, I felt it was their duty. I was happy when they picked me up. I didn’t want to stay at redacted’s any longer. And I didn’t plan on upsetting them. I didn’t even mean on killing their spirit by what I said. I was responding to what they said in a manner that was light and meaningless to me but damaging to them. It didn’t matter all that much that they were giving me a ride and it should have, because it meant a lot to redacted to see my gratitude or selfishness. I just expected the ride. And when they saw that it didn’t make me overjoyed that they got me, it really hurt them. And they started accusing me of things and I just shrugged them off. They said, “look at how I give you this ride”. I said, “buy me a car and I’ll drive myself”. I wasn’t really thinking, was I? I just shrugged off their comments with my apathetic remarks. The whole ride didn’t mean anything more than a ride to me. But it meant so much more to redacted.

When we got home I just went up to the room and shut out the world. I guess that it would have meant a lot to redacted if I had talked to redacted and redacted. It would have been more meaningful to me too. I guess not doing anything was rude in itself.

Then I got a phone call from redated. I talked to them, but redated called in the middle. I let them talk to redacted because something is wrong. I think redated hates me right now. But that’s another story. Redacted made me get off the phone, but to do so they beeped the phone. I found the loud ringing in my ear to be very rude so I expressed that to redacted.

That’s what did it. They exploded. I ripped their soul out, they couldn’t suppress the feelings any longer. And up until that point I had no idea what I was doing to them.

I went into their room, even though they told me they would not talk to me. I wanted to apologize, because just a minute earlier I heard them explode at redacted. Seems like they treated them like crap too. They couldn’t stand being a “happy servant”  any longer for “their party”.  It hit me how much crap they were taking, mostly from them, a little from me. I like how I do that. “I only made them a little angry, the rest was them.”  Nope I was a pretty big part in breaking them. I wish I could deny it. (Said purposely to express how I felt, not what I believe)

They’ll be all right. They’re very strong. People have been tearing away at their soul for years. They don’t have to take it, and I’m glad that they pointed this out to me.

I know that they didn’t mean that I am horrible all of the time. But I am pretty horrible with them a lot of times. They throw words at me, like how all of their friends think that I’m so rude. That’s because I always am rude to redacted when they are around. They said redacted said to them when they were bragging about how smart I am, they said, “well she needs people skills too”.  I know that I hurt them and that they had the right to tell me. But it sucks to hear things like that. They were hurt. They are hurt. And I did it to them. The least you could do is tell me the truth about me.

I hate how rude I am to them. I hate how I bring them down with the rest of the people, like redacted. Redacted and I are a lot alike. We don’t mean to hurt them and we don’t understand it when we do. We just casually do rude things to them and don’t realize it because we weren’t thinking about them. It happens a lot. Maybe they’ll be happier when I move out and they can move out on their own. It sucks to say it, but I think they really will be. I know that they love me. That’s why they put up with me. And they don’t want me gone. But they will be happier when I move out, because then when I see them it will just be a “good to see you” event, and we will mean it. And that will be good for them.

And I’ll work on my people skills, because I forgot how to be nice at school, even at concerts. I forgot how to make friends. So I’m really blessed to have amazing friends like redacted. Those people who stick with me even when I suck. I suck with people skills when I become selfish. When I become selfish I forget you. I don’t think that statement actually works, but I don’t care to correct it. I know that I need you to remember others and that I don’t want to live without you. I just wish I knew how to make things all better with redacted tonight.

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