Age: 16 years old
Well, I think now I have done just about everything to avoid this moment and now that I can avoid it no longer, I guess I must face you. I avoided you very well today. In fact, I gave into every single temptation that came my way. After realizing that, I had behind TV, internet, phone, self pity, anything to avoid this very moment. I did then, and still do, feel horrible. I gave into every temptation! I started a fight with redacted out of nowhere about my money. Seeing my mistake I forgave them for “stealing my money” which doesn’t say much about forgiveness. But before my “forgiveness” I got myself started on music. Fighting redacted about music, I found myself being tempted. Oh, and I realized my temptation too. I gave up. I said to myself, why not, God will forgive me. I said I couldn’t handle it and blamed God for tempting me, I blamed God for my sin. Then, in the car, I wanted to listen to the music. I even got mad when redacted turned the radio off. I wanted to hear that music. I loved listening to it too. Then, I come to redacted’s. I planned to go out with redacted and that was what I was looking forward to in my day. But, redacted wouldn’t allow me to go. I blew up knowing that it was your will that I stay home. But no, I ignored you. The rest of the evening I spent sulking and wallowing in my own self-pity. I realized my sin and also cried for that. Then, I knew I couldn’t face you, I had to hide behind all sorts of mindless things. I even looked to music for comfort instead of you, knowing that that’s why I gave it up in the first place. But I blamed you for my bad day, even though I knew I chose this day to be bad. I choose to defy you, and I knew I was doing it and that’s why it was hard to come to you. But, though I don’t understand, I knew you did this for a reason. Now Lord, I come to you, knowing full well that you should not forgive me. How dare I even ask this of you. So Lord, please don’t forgive me yet, because I am still going to sin today. I want to sleep, and I don’t want to do devos. You knew that already. I don’t feel I will be very effective for you now. I want you, but I don’t deserve your forgiveness, and how can I possibly ask you to forgive me now when I am willingly going to commit another sin. I know you will forgive me, but I can’t ask you to do this until I am fully back on track with you and I truly mean it. I am sorry now, but, just don’t forgive me until I come and ask you tomorrow and humble myself even more. I, as this horrible sinner, do not deserve to be forgiven. I feel bad even asking, so, I know this is wrong and selfish of me but please forgive me when I start living for you again. I don’t want to. So Lord, I don’t know, hear my request and see what is in my heart. Sorry if this request angers you.
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